16 - 28 November 2012

My last two weeks has been a roller coaster of good and bad.

November16th, there was a Family Fun Night at my Lila's school.  We all walked over there, it was five dollars for one slice of pizza, one small bottle of water, and a bingo card.  My two daughters and I went.  We got our pizza, water, and card, found a seat.  We saw a few people we knew from DM and Lila saw one from class.  They had a bunch of baskets to raffle and they were five dollars for an arms length of tickets.  I spent 10 dollars and dropped my tickets in a whatever looked good.  Then we started to play bingo, the game was fun and winners got to pick a board game from their LARGE stack on the stage.  We didn't win a single game but Lila had fun and that is all that counted.  After the game was over they started selling full pizzas for $3 to get rid of what they had left.  I went up and with my last $6 bought the last two pizzas.  Then they started pulling numbers for the raffle baskets.  That was were our luck started,  I won one, two, three.. FOUR baskets!! 

The first is a movie night basket, which was a $25 gift card for AMC, a coupon for a free appetizer at Applebees, five boxes of movie candy and a large bag of plain popcorn in a nice red bowl. 

My second basket was a tupperware basket with a tupperware pitcher, cookbook, and two orange peelers

My third basket was a dessert basket, three pie crust tins, three pie fillings (Chocolate Creme, Key Lime, and Banana Cream), two boxes of cake/brownie mix, two cans evaporated milk, two bottles of oil, a small jar of cherries, and two icing all in a nice blue basket. 

My last basket was a thanksgiving basket and with not having any real money I was very thankful for this basket as it had thanksgiving staples in it.  This basket had gravy, stuffing, cranberry sauce, oil, olives and I can't even remember what. 

I stood in the back of the room with my four baskets and two pizzas and looked at my girls and tried to figure out how to get it home (Eric had the car at work).  Raven picked the dessert basket to carry, Lila picked the movie basket, I stacked the pizza boxes on top of the thanksgiving basket and Raven picked up the pitcher and we proceeded to walk home.  It isn't a long walk but it was long enough to make me think I wasn't gonna make it with all my baskets.  My forearms were on fire and had gotten to the point of going numb by the time I actually got to our apartment.  (this is one of those times I told myself, God wouldn't have given me all these gifts if I was not capable of getting them home) Once I was home with the baskets the girls and I stood and drank in our luck. 

November 17th, we decided to treat the girls and took them to the hibachi grill buffet.  Saturday lunch is the best price and we all love the time together.  After that, I took the girls to the church bazaar up the street.  I spent a bit of money on a few necklaces, a few raffle tickets for two different sections.  A third section had the gift baskets like family fun night but there was 52 baskets instead of 10 and over 300 entries.  We didn't really need any more baskets but since it helped the church raise money I did it anyways.  The only basket I really wanted was the wheelbarrow full with 30 bottles of alcohol.  LOL.  But I didn't win.  I did hear two familiar names called out though.  The basket Lila really wanted was won by one of our DM mothers and the basket Raven really wanted was won by my Aunt.  Funny how things turn out sometimes.  LOL.  We didn't exactly get out of there with no wins though.  There was one game that you bough tickets and opened them to reveal numbers and if your number matched the number on the prize you won that prize.  The girls walked past and saw a batman skateboard.  Neither knows or ever have ridden a skateboard but they both really wanted for totally different reasons.  So I spent a dollar for three tickets for Lila and another dollar for Raven.  I had the change from the five and then I was like, my turn so gave up another dollar.  We won nothing.  I looked at my two dollars and my two girls and gave them both another one.  Lila pulled all her tickets and won nothing.  Raven pulled her six tickets, one, two... and reaching for a third got two so instead of pulling them apart she just dropped it and grabbed another.  That third ticket turned out to the the number for the skateboard.  Since her Dad's nickname is Batman, she was super excited...

We left there feeling very happy with our weekend winnings. 

November 18th,  I got an extra text that I had almost $200 in food stamps added to my account, I can only assume its the governments way of helping for the holidays.  So we went shopping!  First to the Walmart for a pan for the turkey, and a few other things, then to the grocery store for our food for the week and some thanksgiving staples, then to the wine and spirits store for some Alcohol.  Sometimes Eric is such a girl, he couldn't decide on what he wanted.  I took like 5 minutes, and then we stood in the corner for like half an hour while he thought and thought.  Back to the van after than and then to the Popeye's for dinner since it was really too late to cook at that point. 

November 19 - 21, all we did is work and school  and nothing bad or good to report they were just normal days. 

November 22, Thanksgiving - I started the day with thanking people in facebook posts and I did that all day.  Whenever I stopped for a minute or thought about it, I thanked another person in my life for something.  We had a full day ahead of us and Lila and I started cooking.  We had a list of what we needed to do that day. 

• Deviled eggs
• Cucumber salad
• Apple Snicker Salad
• Veggie Dip
• White Bean Dip
• Pie
• Cream Cheese puffs
• Turkey
• Stuffing
• Gravy
• Mashed Potatoes

 But first I made a drink! Three Olives Cherry Vodka 1.5oz, 1.5oz Amaretto, four ice cubes, two cherries, and the rest of my 5oz whiskey glass with coke. 

Then we made veggie dip which is just a Knorr Veggie mix and 16oz sour cream

White bean dip:

• 1 can white beans, mashed.  
• 1/4 cup yogurt
• 1/4 milk
• 1/2 lemon, squeezed
• 2 tbsp olive oil
• 1 tbsp garlic powder
• salt and pepper

 After it was made we added a bit more milk and yogurt to take out the lemony flavor a bit.  Raven loved it but not Lila or I. 

Cucumber salad was up next

• 2 cucumbers, peeled and sliced
• 8 oz sour cream
• 1 green onion
• 1 tsp dill weed
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/2 tsp pepper

 

Then our Apple Snicker Salad

• 3 apples, green is what we picked
• 3 regular sized snickers, frozen
• 8 oz cool whip

We put it all together and then ended up adding another half a container of cool whip since it looked like coated apples.

Then the deviled eggs, this recipe is for six eggs and I cooked 23 so I just timed by four.

• 1/4 cup mayo
• 1 tsp mustard

Then I made the cream cheese puffs

• Cresent rolls
• Chive cream cheese

I rolled out the crescent rolls cut it in smaller pieces and dolloped on the cream cheese, closed up the sides and baked  by crescent rolls directions.  The balls are Lila, LOL

Once that was done Lila and I relaxed, Raven woke up and cleaned the kitchen and Eric started on the turkey.  He also cooked the potatoes, stuffing and gravy done the turkey was done.  I am not sure what time we ate but it was late.  Afterwards, relaxing and checking my facebook, I got word that a very good friend finally succumbed to the cancer that was killing him that morning.  He was diagnosed a few weeks ago with the most aggressive type of cancer.  He was only 26.  Raven happened to be sitting next to me looking at all the thanksgiving comments and saw the post and broke down in tears for about 10 mins.  Lila was confused, she read the post but couldnt understand why Raven was crying and I couldn't tell her.  Eric had to explain what RIP meant but Lila didn't really know him.  Raven called him Uncle.  For four days I prayed it was a joke.  Monday was the day I finally accepted that he was gone and it was not a joke.   I still get schoolfeed updates from his facebook page which is really weird and makes it hard to accept he is gone.  It also brings back when Suzy died at age 26 in 1996 and makes me hate 26yrs old.  Its hard to be positive when your heart is sad but I am trying.  I mostly feel bad for all the people who were really close to him.  I worry for their sanity and their grief.  Ziva said it best I think last night on NCIS, "You don't get over, you only get through"

TTFN  

1 November 2012

Hello all, There have been a few new developments in the past few months since I wrote last. I am still working at DM, but I have moved into my own apartment from my Uncles' house. His illnesses has caused him to be out of work and need more money from people living with him and no offense to him but if I am gonna pay that much for a place to live it will be my own place. Besides this way he gets to ask for what he needs from other tenants and won't have my crazy kids making all kinds of noise in his house. LOL. My book is still on the Kindle list but I have only sold 4 copies. I have been talking to Dorrance Publishing but they want money up front for their publishing services and I just don't have that kind of cash. So I will have to tell them no dice. They said some nice things about my book but I didn't bring the letter with me today to quote them. I wrote Amiee an email through Facebook and waited until midnight of her birthday to send it. According to my facebook message app she has not even read it. I am sure she has been online but either my app is wrong or she saw my name and just doesn't want to read it. I think you can mark emails as unread but not sure if you can on Facebook. It hurts a bit but I am more content after the email than before. I know I have done all I can without pressuring my daughter to respond. I will continue to hope each day that I will hear from her soon but I am prepared to wait. I have already waited 16 yrs, I can wait a bit more. I have started my last half semester of school. Only four more classes to go until my bachelors is complete. I get my last disbursement on the 9th, and I wont have to worry about funds any longer. I got a statement that says my tuition is frozen at this price until graduation. After this class I get a week off and during that next class I will have two weeks around Christmas off. After the new year I will finish out that class and have two more. The last class is Astronomy. I hope the weeks off recharge my batteries to finish those last two classes. Lila is back in Ridley and loves her new school and the friends she is making so much more than Chester-Upland district. She is finally brushing her hair every day, mostly so I will put it up every morning for school. I tested her sugar the other day just for the heck of it and it was 271, way too high. She has an appointment on the 5th for the doctor and I think I will have her tested for diabetes as well as ADHD. She is a bit worried about what the high number means for her. She doesn't like shots or needles and freaks out a bit. Raven had a really bad stint with her asthma a few weeks back. She had a ER visit and three followups before she was well enough. She is doing well now and only on controller medicines. She is still in the Cyber school but wants to go back to regular school now that we are in a good district. I asked her to wait a few weeks to get settled in before we tackle that move. She was fine with that. The girls got all dressed up for Halloween in like a half an hour's notice. Got a good load, Saw one of Lila's teachers and little Kiersten from Developing Minds. They had fun and got loads of candy, some of which I stole for work today. LOL. I got altered one of my blog pages on "The Most Profitable Marketing Links" it was updated with some statistics of the sites I frequent and I moved the banners around to my favorites on top. I typed out a letter for individuals to do what I do and I want to distribute them around to my friends and maybe to some individuals on the street. Well, I think my update is done. Hope its not another two months before I write again. Check out my other blogs and hit the donate button. All profits go to getting a real home for my family for the first time. Thank you in advance.

28 July 2012

     So, it has been a while since I have written and a bunch of stuff has happened.  I can't believe I have neglected my blog for two months.  Work and school is pretty much the same, I am on my 14th class of my bachelors, I am so ready for it all to be done.  I don't want to school anymore.  After almost four years of late nights, worrying about getting online for class, completing assignments and final exams I have had enough.  7 more classes until I am done, less than a year to go.  April 8th, 2013 I will be done and will not be pursuing any further education.
     My uncle has been in the hospital three times for heart issues, and my aunt has diverticulitis. She has been up and down for the last month and the rest of us are all left floundering at work trying to do the impossible.  Developing Minds just isn't the same without her there each day.  As much as I want her back at work, I want her home taking care of herself and getting better more.  My sister-in-law left her boyfriend, they have been together since they were teenagers and have two daughters.  She isn't feeling successful right now and I hope she will find her way.  My adopted sister is going through the same kind of thing, she is strong enough to do it on her own.  I know I don't have to worry about her.  Her kids are old enough to help her too.  They are both in my thoughts all the time.
     Me, you ask, well... I have been contemplating something I never thought I would get the chance to do again.  If everything works the way I want it to, I could be back in Florida next summer.  I am still plugging away with my PTC sites, trying to build my downline.  It will take a bit but this might just make me financially stable within a year.  It is time I had some good luck and get what I have always wanted.  Oh, and I published my autobiography on Amazon Kindle.  Here is the link if you wanna check it out,  My Heart, My Soul, My Story
     I wrote this for my Angel, Amethyst Rose Eldridge.  I named her after my birthstone and favorite color in the world.  If I bought my own jewelry it would always be an amethyst.  Rose just seemed to fit.  Eldridge cause it is my name.  There is no father listed on her birth certificate but it was never true that I didn't know who he was or where I could find him, that was a lie my father forced me to tell the judge.  I have no seen my Angel since she was two.  I have no held her since she was five months old.  She will be 18 in three months.  She will be legally an adult and my father can not have me thrown in jail if I email her. (Yes he did threaten that a few years back, I have the letter to prove it)  I wrote this autobiography not for money but for her, so she could read the truth without having to face anyone or ask any too hard questions she might want to ask.  If that is the path she chooses to take, it was just to give her another option to finding the truth.  My one hope is that she finds the book and reads it.  It isn't a pretty story, or a happy story.  It is a hard story, and some tell me it is not complete.  My son asked me for the whole story a few years back and took two phone calls to do it.  We spent hours on the phone with him listening and me talking.  If he can forgive me for everything there is no reason to think she will not, after all my son was the one hurt the most.
     I love my babies, and there is nothing in this entire world I would not do for them.  The book as sold three copies.  It was a bit scary to think someone out there is reading my story.  The third copy was bought my my Suprise's mother, but I have no idea who got the first two.  Now that the book is not being listed near the top of the list it isn't selling anymore copies but that is ok for now.  As I said, this book is not for money but for truth.  It is so the truth is out there and told by the individual who it all happened to.  It is the inside story.  Not being told by someone on the outside looking in.  My father's version is like looking into a box from a ripped corner, not only did he not see the whole picture he wasn't even capable of seeing the whole picture.  How can you tell the truth when you don't even know the truth yourself.
     Anyways, The book is out there now, and now I can concentrate on my fiction stories.  I have four in the works and thinking about publishing a collection of poems.  I have enough for two books.  Look for them if it interests you.
     87 more days..............

14 May 2012

Sitting here at home taking the day off work after throwing up all night.  I hate calling off work, I hate spending the day stuck in my chair.  My stomach is being wishy washy today, but I have put the time to good use.  I check in at all my PTC sites and clicked on the available ads, and at IconBux I had enough to buy my first referral package.  It is quite exciting.  That makes two sites with rented referrals.  I sent up a PTC diary for IconBux so anyone could follow my journey.   NeoBux is now working with 9 rented referrals.  Not seeing a huge difference but there is a bit.  But 9 referrals is not alot in the scheme of things.  I am so excited that two of my sites have movement.  Of course if anyone reading this wants to make money online I can show you how, just go visit my sister blog "The Most Profitable Affiliate Links" and view the PTC sites I have joined.  Not all are there as of yet but I am getting them up.
As always hitting the donate button and making a donation will help me toward my ultimate goal of buying a real home for me and my girls.  Thanks for visiting!

24 May 2008

The most scariest day of my life May 24, 2008 from myspace blogs. Lila went to the store... Current mood: thankful Well, some of you already know, but for all those that dont.... One Tuesday May 20th 2008, Lila was napping downstairs and Eric was upstairs. He came down to check on her and she was gone. The front door was open. He ran outside and franticly calling her name ran around the entire apt complex looking for her, asking everyone in sight. Not even he is sure how long he spent doing that. But at around 1pm he called me and said "Dont freak out on me but, Lila is missing" and of course that is exactly what I did. I screamed "What?" which immediately promted the "settle down" that my boss always gives me when I get loud or upset. Most of the time he is only joking but this time I ignored him as Eric was telling me what happened. Said he had already involved the neighbors and office, and the office was calling the police. I immediately broke down into screaming tears that the whole lab heard. I told him he better find her and then dropped the phone. By that time Gina and Ben were both over at my desk and Gina hung up my phone. Now, he didnt tell me not to freak out cause he knew I would. But he was already paniced and frantic himself and also feeling guilty as hell cause she did it when he was supposed to be watching her. He didnt want me to take the screaming at him stance. But there was no time for that. Ben asked me if I wanted him to take me home, and of course I did. As soon as I was making progress to an end I was able to stop my screaming crying and actually think a little. At the car Ben asked if there is anything he can do, and I said yeah, to drive me around so I could look for her. She is only 3. My first and only thoughts really was she is at the store. We have a small drug store on our corner of the street that is realitively safe to get to, meaning no roads to cross and only about a minutes walking distance away. I asked Ben for his cell phone to call Eric and let him know I was on my way home and I was gonna check the store. He was out driving around in our car. I had him on the phone when I entered the store and there she was walking down the aisle with a police officer. I ran to her and hugged her and cried harder than I have ever cried in my life. There is nothing so scary as to know that your three year old child is out on the streets by herself and to not know if she was safe or not. I have never been that scared in my whole life. But I guess every situation is not without a small bit of comedy. As Ben told me after I calmed down that I could have the rest of the day off. To which I replied "Do you think?" As if that question was actually in doubt. The cop took my name and adress but that was all and went on his merry way. I did thank him and tried to hug him for finding her but I didnt put Lila down to do it, so it was a little awkward. I took Lila home and proceeded to talk with her about why what she did was so wrong. Which of course she didnt get, she was after all only going to the store which she saw no harm in at all. But eventually pressed into her to not go outside by herself again. And, at least we did finally get the chain lock for the door like we have wanted although one of the maintence men said they didnt have one, but luckly for us the other said yes. The bitch of it all was there was a child lock on the door. One of those plastic covers you have to squeeze to turn the door knob. But I guess as with the aspirin bottles they are really adult locks and we need our children to open them. LMAO! I am just glad she was where I knew her to be and just proves to myself that all those people and all those years were wrong about me and even though I spend alot of time away from home and even some time at home not with my kids I do still KNOW my children. I am still connected to my children cause when it came right down to it, I knew where she was and found her exactly there. Thank you to those few people who helped in our half an hour scare of our lives. And thank you to that guardian angel looking over my baby. She is home safe with out any of the millions of nasty things that could have happened, happening to her. For that I am grateful for every day.

25 May 2008

A rather controversial blog From myspace on May 25, 2008

Hell or Rebirth?

Current mood:argumentative

I recently had the opportunity to over hear a conversation between a man and a woman at work the other day.  I usually don't stand too near people when I am on a smoke break cause I like to feel the world around me during those brief moments away from duty.  But it was raining and it forced me to seek coverage, can't be soaked when I work.  The man was talking about what he will do on his vacation.  He plans on visiting his son's grave and placing a confederate flag on his grave.  Then he mentioned to the woman that the police have found his son's killer.  But what he said next really distrubed me.  And it was that comment that made me want to write this.   He said to her, "Now they can send him to Hell where he belongs". 
I am not against punishment for your sins.  This distrubs me cause he actually believes in Hell and that his son's killer will go there when he dies.  This man is obviously a Christian.  This man and his view is one of the million things I have against Christianity.  This man is not alone in his opinion of reality. 
What if I was to tell him that man will NOT go to Hell, he will only be reborn.  And possibly come back very angry.  Where do you think all these kids are coming from that already have anger and hate in their hearts from the time they were small?  Bad genes?  Bad parents?  Bad parenting?
Many scientists have done studies to prove one way or another if its enviroment or genetics that make you who you are.  What if its neither.  What if its our past?
More and more every day I think this world would be better off if Christians were the minority.  Now, I am not saying that some other religion is better.  But really look at what has already been done in the name of God.  The Christian God. 
The Crusades,  crusaders ran all over and basically said at the tip of a sword.  Convert or die.  Reminds me of Chronicles of Riddick really.  They went everywhere.  All over Europe.  Our nations founding fathers ran to America to get away from all that tyrany.  The pledge of allegiance got the words "Under God" added to them in 1954.
How about the Salem witch trials.  Women were burned cause the bible says 'do not suffer a witch to live'.  But there is the same problem with that as with every other translation.  The original word literally translates to "poisioner" not "witch".  But even so, Christian God says killing witches is ok. 
I could go on and on here.  But I wont.  Wake up people, Reincarnation is real.  Do you really think you are only allowed less than 100 years on this earth to determine where you will spend the rest of eternity?  That is laughable.  Its like telling your newborn baby, you have like one day to decide what you are going to be for the rest of your life.  Maybe more like one hour.  They cant even comprehend something like that.
For all of you that say, then why do we all not remember.  I have an answer to that.  Imagine all the cruelities that have been perpetrated on others.  Rape, torture, death, maiming, disfigurement, being blind, loss of limbs, beatings.  If you suffered any of that, would you want to remember it?  Or when you rebirthed, would you want a clean slate?  But our pains can carry over unconsciously.  Fear of heights, of water, animals, inclosed spaces.  Why does the general population seem like its getter angrier younger?  Or why do we have more psychological problems?  Because the bible says "an eye for an eye".  We kill, killers.  People dont die for a cause anymore.  We dont kill to defend our home.  We have to rely on this country's lawmen to defend our rights and liberties, and we have to rely on them for justice.  So they kill, killers.  Killers die, unforgiven, angry, and remorseless.  They come back, angry children who stab their classmates in kindergarden or even preschool.  Five year olds looking up at adults and saying "you dont know who you are messing with".  Children that show no remorse when they burn the neighbors cat alive in a trashcan.  This is the world we created.  By killing killers, like that is justice.  If we want our children to be born hatefree, we have to learn that this isnt such a clear cut and black and white world as the Bible will tell you. 
As far as Jesus's message, God's message.  What is he really trying to tell us?  You dont need some book with hundreds of pages that has been passed down for over 2000 years.  Its a very simple message.  Its the same message that Buddists, Pagans, Druids.  All religions from every walk of life has the same bottom line message.  And they dont have a "Book" for it.  Simply put... Listen closely.....
If it harms none, do what ye will.
I live by that simple message every day.  And so do thousands of others that are not labeled Christian.  They dont kill others to spread that message.  It is time that the human race grew up.  It is time we stopped being angry teenagers shouting into the world "you dont understand me!!!"  Stop.  Just stop.  Grow up.  

6 April 2012

      So, I got a new post for My Every Day Meals blog, we had corn dogs, pasta salad, and brownies with cream cheese frosting.  I also uploaded all my documents from my COM140 class.  This new slideshare.com site was cool.  Now I know how I can get my presentations on.  Someone is +1'ing my posts but then never leave a comment.  I have no idea who does this, it would be interesting to know if it is different people or just the same one.  I would also like to know how to get my poetry blog read since I can't share it in my google newsreel.  I had to make it the blog adults only because on some of my newest they got a little racy, I still think they are good, just a bit x-rated. I got +1'ed on the first two blogs before I changed the settings to over 18 only, and now I can't share them in my newsreel either.  Ah well, for all those out there that read my posts, donate what you can to help me buy a real home for me and my girls.  If you can't donate you can always use my google or amazon search to look for or buy some items.  Any ad click will help me also.  If you have no use for the search or amazon itself, leave a comment, (psst, I'll even take hate mail).  I would love to hear from you.  I got one more post to go tonight, I will post another old blog from myspace right here in my journal.  Check out my other blogs when you get a chance.

See Y'all Laters!

23 Oct 2007

I am going through my old blogs from myspace and will be posting them here.  This is from :

Oct 23, 2007

For Dad...

You have got to see this from my point of view. Here you are 21years old, sitting in your old room at your mom's house, because you have nowhere else to go. Pregnant, looking back at the last 6 months, realizing that leaving your husband and your child was the biggest mistake you could have made. Knowing that you can't go back because there is some other woman in your place. Some other woman loving your husband. Some other woman being called 'Mommy' by your son. The father of your unborn baby, married man, disappeared with his whole family when you told him you were pregnant. Your sister hates you because she is also pregnant at the same time with her first child and doesnt want any of mom's attention to be taking from her. Then your mother finds out you are pregnant because your big mouth sister told on you. And she comes into your room and yanks you down by the hair and tells you you will get an abortion. Not asks, tells. And when you stand up to her for the first time in your whole life and tell her no, it puts a rift between you.
Then you write a letter to your dad, because you figure he should know you are going to have another of his grandchildren. And you say don't write back or call until you can except it because you had all the yelling you can take from your mom. And you don't hear from him. So this, little baby, growing in your belly is the only thing you have in the whole world. You know this baby can make you better. Bring you out of this rut you are in. She is your salvation, your angel. So, you keep her. And you love her more than you have ever loved anything in your whole life. And she is everything you dreamed. She is your angel, your bright spot in the darkness. The only thing you have to live for, to fight for.
You go out to a strange city to help a grieving friend, who's mother passed away. And, after about 5 months there, the emotional rollercoaster your friends put you through drives you to a break. You turn to the only person you can think of that may help you. You have a job, you just need a safe place to put your angel. Cause just any place isnt good enough for your angel. You call your dad's and get his wife. You tell her what happened and ask if she can care for your angel. She says yes right away, makes all kinds of promises about "keeping the mother, daughter bond", and drives out right away. And they do keep their promises. For a short while.
Once the legal guardianship papers were signed, one by one the promises got broken. Oh! you got excuses, really lame ones. Cant afford the gas every week, cant afford the collect phone calls. All designed to put distance between me and my angel. Although you dont want to believe it. Finally when able to make the trip to her. As you look around the house she now lives in, you cant hold her, of course, because she is busy eating. you see your dad, whom you trusted more than any other person in the world, sitting you down and saying they are getting attached. And you see your dad with the fancy $2000 a week job. Pretty wife that stays at home. Nice church going Christians. Nice fancy house. Smart, soft-spoken lawyer. And you look at yourself. Your bedroom is a pantry. Labor pool job. $400 car. And you know you are screwed. They want to keep your child, your angel and there is nothing you can do about it.
You would have to hire an expensive lawyer and fight to get your child back. Meanwhile she is growing and you cant see her. The pain of leaving is way too much. You can not comprehend the pain of walking away from a child you love with all your heart and watching her concept of mom change from you to someone else. It is 13 years later and that thought still rips my heart.
you came back to the city then, because your son needed you. And he got better. But this isnt about him, it is about my dad and my angel. So I will not say more on that subject.
Almost 2 years have gone by now, and she has forgotten you even existed. And the worst tragedy of your entire life came. August 15th 1996. That day ripped your world and several others to pieces. Nothing was the same after that. But again, that is not for this story.
Short version, my son with his step sister and half sister was taking by the state and my husband was jailed. He got out of course, but not for a week. I didnt find out for 5 days that this had happened. By then there was nothing I could do but wait for the court date.
A month and a half or so later, On Oct 2, 1996, my husband’s girlfriend died. She was very sick. Died of kidney failure as a result of Hepatitis A. But that again, is another story. That is my son's part. By this time, the state had awarded temporary custody of your son to your dad. And your dad is the one who told him she had died. Your dad, tried alot of tactics to break us. He told fantastic stories about an angry boy he claimed was your son. I am not so sure. First we were allowed to come to his house to visit. Then we werent. Then he started to exaggerate things he saw at the place we used for our visits. Who can turn an innocent stuffed animal throwing fight into something sinister and violent? My dad in a court of law using the case worker as a mouthpiece. Who hasnt played a stuff animal fight or a pillow fight?
I got a crappy lawyer that was working "pro bono" which means he already doesnt care if I win. Then, your dad, gives your son back to the state saying that he is too violent on his sister. But you know his real reason. Your son knows the truth. He knows who her real parents are and he is old enough to tell her the truth.
Christmas comes, and you beg your sister who is going over to your dad's to take the camera and get pictures of your angel. You bring presents for her. Presents from "mommy and daddy" But your evil stepmother says to your angel your name instead of mommy. Because who is mommy now. She is. And the thought that your angel is calling your dad, daddy is just wrong in so many ways. What was wrong with being a grandfather to her? Why did you have to lie? Just so your wife can have a child?
Then, here is the dosy, your own father sues you for child support!! The same man who wont give her back, the same man that makes $2000 a week, needs child support from someone making minimum wage? That is soo transparent. He is looking to increase the financial burden so you will give up rights to your angel. But that isnt going to happen. You agreed to garnished wages. So from that point it was your works job to take out the money. Which actually they didnt do. So what does your loving dad do now? He takes you back to court!!
When the judge realizes that the man suing you is your father, he asks your dad what he wants to happen. Your dad says, "I don't know what to do with her anymore". The judge says "Well, sir, I am going to reprimand her to the county jail" and your father says, if you can believe this "Do what you have to do" So, what did the judge do? "Ma'am, I am reprimanding you to the county jail" And just like that they came over with handcuffs, ready to cuff you and take you to jail. Your husband and newborn daughter outside waiting for you. You plead with the judge. "Please dont put me in jail. I am the sole support for my family. I am 5months pregnant. I get paid tomorrow and rent is tomorrow. If I don't pay it they will get kicked out." The judge has a kinder heart than your own dad. He lets you off with a stiff fine that needs to be paid within a week.
After that, your paranoia escalates to its highest degree. One night while walking home, a cop car drives by, and your mind tells you that they are out looking for you. Your dad has found some way to throw you in jail and they are coming for you. You are so scared you can't talk. Your only thought is "Get home". Walking in the door, your husband is there, seeing you. Does just what he knows will calm you. And your brother, who was watching, will swear to this day, if not for your husband, you would have lost your mind.
But your dad has one more tactic to pull before he finally won the prize. He sued me to terminate my parental rights to my angel. You knew then you could not win. That was not a fight you could win. You had no lawyer, no money. And your other kid is in the states custody right now. And they are finding reason after reason not to return the child. You are good enough to keep your baby girl you had after the state took your son and your dad took your angel. But you are not good enough to have your son returned. Figure that one out.
So, your dad with his $2000 a week job, and smart fancy lawyer was going to mudsling you until you lost. And you had nothing to fight with. You couldnt even go to the court room. Couldnt even look at the man who for the last 5 years had put you thru hell on earth. For what? So his wife could be called Mommy?
He would tell you that he was protecting her, saving her from me. That the harm you did her in the first 5months of her life was so detrimental, that he had to take these steps. What harm. A little undernorished. Missed a couple of shots. She was fed, clothed and loved.
So, to save any chance you had of winning my son, you conceded defeat. And lost your angel. You made the ultimate sacrifice. You sacrificed one child to save the other. How can your own father make you make that kind of choice. The man who gave you life. The man who held you when you were small. The man who you loved more than any other person on the entire planet.
Shortly after that, my dad disappeared. Refused to come to my sister's wedding. And has absolutely no contact with any of us. And I have not seen, or heard from my father or my angel in 10 years.
There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of them. Not once can I think of them without feeling the raw, open wounds that still exist on my heart and my soul. Wounds that can not heal. Not for another 5 years. Not till she is 18, and I am allowed to hold my angel again.
Five years on Oct 24th, She will be 13 tomorrow.  Instead of being able to watch her open presents, take her picture, tell her I love her, or even send a card.  I am left with this open, raw, festering wound on my heart.
Happy Birthday Baby, I love you and think of you every day.  

Update:  This is the year, she will be 18 this year!  Since writing this my dad has contact with my sister who now doesn't talk to me.  My Angel and my Son talk through Facebook, she thinks I am a liar and can not be trusted.  I have reached out to my father and even though he stated he would be open to communication (after reminding me I am apparently legally not allowed) I have not heard from him at all, that was several years ago.  I still have wished her Happy birthday each year in my heart and that wound is still there, open and festering.  

1 April 2012

   Today has been a busy day, I found a website that spelled out what all the others just hint on,.  Affiliate Marketing is the answer.  This is what all those sites are all about teaching you when they say $99 knocked down to $47, or whatever it is they say.  They teach you how to do affiliate marketing.  I found the secret.  It is no get rick quick scheme.  It is hard work and takes a long time to pay off, depending on the tools you have at your disposal.  For those who can shell out the $100 or so, then signing up for one of these is the way to go. There are literally hundreds out there to choose from.  Some of them do teach you to sell things like Herbalife, or a similar product.  For those without a dime, like me, to spend on anything you have to do things from scratch.  You first need a blog.  Any blog will work, these affiliate marketing people will tell you to get your own dot com.  And then to buy web hosting, etc.  For me I have this blog, on blogger.com and I am adding Google adsense to it.  Any link or ad you click on from my website I will make a few cents.  Of course you can see right off the possibilities along with the downfalls.  Potentially you can make hundreds of dollars, but the trick is to get people to view your blog.  How do you do that?
     You need to think of something people will want to read about.  What did I do?  As of right now, I have four blogs on blogger.com.  Just created three tonight.  The first one, of course, is this blog.  I set this up in order to share some stuff about myself with whoever listens and added the adsense and donate buttons in hopes someone will help me buy a home for my family and I.  Ultimately that is my goal.  To own my own home.  Something with a yard that is safe for my girls to go outside. My girls rarely get to go outside to play simply because the places I have lived did not have anywhere safe for them to play.  My Lila loves outside, but doesn't ever get to just run and run.  I would love to get into a job that would allow me to be with my girls, I have lots of ideas for businesses but I am really bad with follow thru.  But tonight I created three additional blogs.  The first is just an extra blog for some of what I used this for, my dinners.  Tonight we cooked Navajo Tacos and that was my first blog.  You can check it out at http://myeverydaymeals.blogspot.com/ It also has my adsense and donate buttons, along with my referral links to my favorite sites, inbox dollars and swagbucks.com.  The second blog I created was easiest I am posting my old papers.  I always when researching information for my school papers, benefited when reading something someone else already wrote to help me get an idea on what I was supposed to write and some ideas on what to include.  I figured someone else might need that also, there is a disclaimer at the bottom that will hopefully reduce or remove plagiarism.  I posted my first week on my first class tonight.  That is at http://myuopxschoolpapers.blogspot.com  The last blog I created was devoted solely to my affiliate marketing work.  I wrote a quick blog and included a link to a great site to help with affiliate marketing.  That ink is: http://mostprofitableaffiliatemarketinglinks.blogspot.com/.  All blogs have the donate button and adsense.  Along with my inbox dollars and swagbucks widget.
    So, check out some of my new blogs.  I will update you all on this with my progress and how well they are working out.  My goal is one year from today to be able to 'quit my day job'.  LOL.  Not sure if I could get away with it since I work for my Aunt, but you never know.  Let me know what you think too.  I would love to hear your comments.

TTFN!  (as Tigger says)

30 March 2012

Update on my current running totals - Inbox Dollars $16.79; Mechanical Turk - $7.14; Swagbucks.com - 501 swagbucks. I am trying to find that one opportunity that will get me the paycheck I need with the work I can do. You all are on the journey with me. Too many sites say that they tried everything and got scammed by everything and now they know the secret to making money online, hundreds of thousands of dollars and they can teach it to you for a fee. Well, when I learn that secret I will teach it to you. So follow me and read my posts. Donate money to my cause if you feel so inclined. I write about my life here, it is all out bare. None of my actual friends follow me here, they probably don't even know it is here so it is no holds barred. I am starting from scratch with this blog and you all are taking the journey with me. I found a site that promised just what I stated previously and the dude seemed like he was a real person and not an automated recycled speech, but he promoted a survey website that reviews said was a scam. He stated it was the only survey site that actually paid. Well, I wrote that guy a letter stating that promoting a website with negative reviews really takes a shot at his credibility. That was yesterday and still waiting a response. I'll make sure to update you when he emails back.

26 March 2012

So, after the long walk on Saturday Raven decided to get sick. Sore throat, but still working her schoolwork. I decided to check my stats on blogger to see if I actually have anyone reading my posts and I was surprised to learn there are! I couldnt believe it! Hello to all of you secretly watching. You ought to say hi at least. Have you checked out inbox dollars.com?? How about swagbucks.com?? I got referral links in the banners on the right. I also have a donate button on the right side, all donations go to getting a real home for me and my girls. Hopefully one big enough to house anyone who needs it just as I have in the past.

Psst... I got step 1 of one of my money making ideas done. I have part of part 2 done. I will tell you all about it when I am done. Well I am out for now. Talk at you folks laters!!!!

Ps. Comment so I know you're here......

25 march 2012

Yesterday was Eric's birthday and he had to work. I went on a walk with my daughters to was. Took us an hour and we had subs, chips for lunch at a park. Lila and Raven played on the swings. Raven freaked over a spider and then we went for Rita's water ice. We all got blendini's and bought a cake for Eric cherry cherry bang bang. He is not a big cake or sweet person so the ice cream cake was perfect he loved it. Eric got done with work just in time to come get us and save us from walking an hour backin the rain. Lol. We all sang happy birthday and he blew out his five candles. Lol.

So far on swagbucks I have earned a lifetime total of 497. That is not signing up for any special offers, just doing what I always do, searching the web. I have spent a bit on swags takes which I haven't won yet. I signed up to be a blog site for swagbucks, still waiting to hear from them on whether they accept mine. I heard from Rick today. So good hearing from him. He is just a wonderful man I didn't recognize at the time i had him.

I am just finishing my finance course. Tuesday will be officially half way done with my bachelors degree. Another 10 classes to go. It is exhausting and exhilarating at the same time. Lila isn't allowed back in my prek room. Eric doesn't feel as though he has the patience to get her thru school. Work is less fun for me now and I worry all day about how they are getting along. I really miss my squishy face and I know I am the best person for the job to teach her the cyber school but my hands have been tied and I now need to find a way to untie them. This is not acceptable. Befor this job was only holding back our ability to get on our feet, but we have been surviving and this is my aunt and I can't just abandon her but now it is interfering with my daughters Ability to succeed. I need a new option and it's time I did something to fix that. If I have to have a job I can't be with her at, then maybe I need to go back to doing what made me a ton of money and get on our own feet. I can't keep living off my uncle not even for the sake of my aunt. I don't know what to do. But I know I can't keep doing what I am doing now. I find no joy in it anymore. Anyone out ther listening and got any ideas???? I need to make a ton of money from home. As always if you want to help me on my quest to buy a real home for my kids and me hit the donate button. Anything is appreciated.

15 March 2012

So my second day with swagbucks.com and gots me 111 swagbucks and one friend referral. They have earned 86 swagbucks, waiting for my matching set. Tons of ways to earn on swagbucks.com. Watching videos, all kinds, clipping and using coupons, taking surveys, etc. I am after some of those expensive electronics! Gotta friend who really wants a ps3 to join in order to earn enough swagbucks for it. Inboxdollars has earned me $16 so far. Still waiting for those referrals to find me. Don't want to hit up my friends, I want people who will actually want to do it. And still checking with mechanical Turk for those tiny jobs. I have been rating tags on photos. Kinda fun but doesn't earn a lot. But I know it's out there somewhere. Still working on my two ideas to make me money. I have thought of a third, and got a new spin on my book "Anna's Diary". I can't believe I have so much on my plate. Whatever it takes to distract myself from the fact that Amiee turns 18 this year.

Well, gonna sign off, catch y'all on the flip side.

So now I'm on swag bucks.com . Great site! Got me 52 swag bucks in one day. I could get a kindle fire around 30000 swagbucks. I'll be putting up a widget for friend referrals as soon as I get my computer back from my daughter who is watching her school videos. Lol. Currently I am on my iPad, which I love. So tired these days, never feel as though I sleep enough. My throat doesn't hurt anymore. My eye did a funky thing last night and glued itself shut overnight. It itched like mad and felt like something was in it. Eric put in some visene (totally spelled that wrong), and it felt better right away. An article was written up in the local paper about the cyber school. Gonna look it up later to find out what that was all about. didn't sound like a good article. So I got mechanical Turk through amazon.com, inbox dollars, swagbucks, and survey spot. Still taking donations, all proceeds go to buying a home for my kids for the first time.

Thanks all for reading and catch you up soon!!

6 March 2012

Dear Journal,

So, I think I have found a way to make money. But I can't tell you yet, I am working with two ideas. One involves writing letters and another is writing a brochure or booklet to sell. I just have to figure the best platform to sell my brochure. Everyone says to go with what you know, instead of wallowing in the heartache of the past make it work for you. Well, my brochure idea is doing exactly that. Taking my heartache and using it along with what I learned along the way to deal with it and make that work for me in the form of monetary compensation. I will keep you informed of my progress along the way though, but its all super secret until its put into action just so noone steals my idea. Not that anyone actually reads my journal but you never know this is the internet after all. On the internet you never can tell when anyone is watching. I can't tell you my letter idea either except I need ALOT of letters and alot of addresses to mail them to. Gotta write the letter too.
Well, since I wrote you last I have gotten a new phone and a new IPAD!! I love my new ipad but I have to admit i am starting to get a little bored with it. I love the ereader part and some of the games on it are fun. I just don't get alot of time to play games but I am trying to find new ways to make my ipad help me in more ways. Love my new phone too, camera on it is really good. I told My Lila that I was gonna start a new blog called "I have got the world's biggest brat!" I would record her biggest tantrums and upload them to my site to share with the world. She behaved for about a week after that but is now up to her old tricks, just waiting for that one really good tantrum to record and upload.
I am getting so sick of school, and now prices are going up again and I think it will be more than my loan+pell. I just cant afford that and may have to drop. If this is typical no wonder they have a 12% graduation rate. I may just look into another school in order to finish my bachelors. I have been thinking of going for a writing degree which is not offered by university of phoenix. The girls are in cyber school now. Half way through the year. All of us got sick from some kind of stomach bug, thought i was gonna die. Girls got new bunkbeds, something I have wanted for them since lila didnt need the toddler bed anymore. Love pandora radio, put the kids to sleep with a lullaby station. at least most of them. Lila keeps trying, and all she does is just try my patience. LOL.
Well, i guess that is all for now, I am off to do... something. Check in with you later!