Saturday, April 7, 2012
24 May 2008
The most scariest day of my life May 24, 2008 from myspace blogs.
Lila went to the store...
Current mood: thankful
Well, some of you already know, but for all those that dont....
One Tuesday May 20th 2008, Lila was napping downstairs and Eric was upstairs. He came down to check on her and she was gone. The front door was open. He ran outside and franticly calling her name ran around the entire apt complex looking for her, asking everyone in sight. Not even he is sure how long he spent doing that. But at around 1pm he called me and said "Dont freak out on me but, Lila is missing" and of course that is exactly what I did. I screamed "What?" which immediately promted the "settle down" that my boss always gives me when I get loud or upset. Most of the time he is only joking but this time I ignored him as Eric was telling me what happened. Said he had already involved the neighbors and office, and the office was calling the police. I immediately broke down into screaming tears that the whole lab heard. I told him he better find her and then dropped the phone. By that time Gina and Ben were both over at my desk and Gina hung up my phone. Now, he didnt tell me not to freak out cause he knew I would. But he was already paniced and frantic himself and also feeling guilty as hell cause she did it when he was supposed to be watching her. He didnt want me to take the screaming at him stance. But there was no time for that. Ben asked me if I wanted him to take me home, and of course I did. As soon as I was making progress to an end I was able to stop my screaming crying and actually think a little. At the car Ben asked if there is anything he can do, and I said yeah, to drive me around so I could look for her. She is only 3. My first and only thoughts really was she is at the store. We have a small drug store on our corner of the street that is realitively safe to get to, meaning no roads to cross and only about a minutes walking distance away. I asked Ben for his cell phone to call Eric and let him know I was on my way home and I was gonna check the store. He was out driving around in our car. I had him on the phone when I entered the store and there she was walking down the aisle with a police officer. I ran to her and hugged her and cried harder than I have ever cried in my life. There is nothing so scary as to know that your three year old child is out on the streets by herself and to not know if she was safe or not. I have never been that scared in my whole life. But I guess every situation is not without a small bit of comedy. As Ben told me after I calmed down that I could have the rest of the day off. To which I replied "Do you think?" As if that question was actually in doubt. The cop took my name and adress but that was all and went on his merry way. I did thank him and tried to hug him for finding her but I didnt put Lila down to do it, so it was a little awkward.
I took Lila home and proceeded to talk with her about why what she did was so wrong. Which of course she didnt get, she was after all only going to the store which she saw no harm in at all. But eventually pressed into her to not go outside by herself again. And, at least we did finally get the chain lock for the door like we have wanted although one of the maintence men said they didnt have one, but luckly for us the other said yes. The bitch of it all was there was a child lock on the door. One of those plastic covers you have to squeeze to turn the door knob. But I guess as with the aspirin bottles they are really adult locks and we need our children to open them. LMAO! I am just glad she was where I knew her to be and just proves to myself that all those people and all those years were wrong about me and even though I spend alot of time away from home and even some time at home not with my kids I do still KNOW my children. I am still connected to my children cause when it came right down to it, I knew where she was and found her exactly there. Thank you to those few people who helped in our half an hour scare of our lives. And thank you to that guardian angel looking over my baby. She is home safe with out any of the millions of nasty things that could have happened, happening to her. For that I am grateful for every day.
Friday, April 6, 2012
25 May 2008
A rather controversial blog From myspace on May 25, 2008
Hell or Rebirth?
Current mood:
argumentative
argumentative
I recently
had the opportunity to over hear a conversation between a man and a woman at
work the other day. I usually don't stand too near people when I am on a
smoke break cause I like to feel the world around me during those brief moments
away from duty. But it was raining and it forced me to seek coverage,
can't be soaked when I work. The man was talking about what he will do on
his vacation. He plans on visiting his son's grave and placing a
confederate flag on his grave. Then he mentioned to the woman that the
police have found his son's killer. But what he said next really
distrubed me. And it was that comment that made me want to write this.
He said to her, "Now they can send him to Hell where he
belongs".
I am not against punishment for your sins. This distrubs me cause he actually believes in Hell and that his son's killer will go there when he dies. This man is obviously a Christian. This man and his view is one of the million things I have against Christianity. This man is not alone in his opinion of reality.
What if I was to tell him that man will NOT go to Hell, he will only be reborn. And possibly come back very angry. Where do you think all these kids are coming from that already have anger and hate in their hearts from the time they were small? Bad genes? Bad parents? Bad parenting?
Many scientists have done studies to prove one way or another if its enviroment or genetics that make you who you are. What if its neither. What if its our past?
More and more every day I think this world would be better off if Christians were the minority. Now, I am not saying that some other religion is better. But really look at what has already been done in the name of God. The Christian God.
The Crusades, crusaders ran all over and basically said at the tip of a sword. Convert or die. Reminds me of Chronicles of Riddick really. They went everywhere. All over Europe. Our nations founding fathers ran to America to get away from all that tyrany. The pledge of allegiance got the words "Under God" added to them in 1954.
How about the Salem witch trials. Women were burned cause the bible says 'do not suffer a witch to live'. But there is the same problem with that as with every other translation. The original word literally translates to "poisioner" not "witch". But even so, Christian God says killing witches is ok.
I could go on and on here. But I wont. Wake up people, Reincarnation is real. Do you really think you are only allowed less than 100 years on this earth to determine where you will spend the rest of eternity? That is laughable. Its like telling your newborn baby, you have like one day to decide what you are going to be for the rest of your life. Maybe more like one hour. They cant even comprehend something like that.
For all of you that say, then why do we all not remember. I have an answer to that. Imagine all the cruelities that have been perpetrated on others. Rape, torture, death, maiming, disfigurement, being blind, loss of limbs, beatings. If you suffered any of that, would you want to remember it? Or when you rebirthed, would you want a clean slate? But our pains can carry over unconsciously. Fear of heights, of water, animals, inclosed spaces. Why does the general population seem like its getter angrier younger? Or why do we have more psychological problems? Because the bible says "an eye for an eye". We kill, killers. People dont die for a cause anymore. We dont kill to defend our home. We have to rely on this country's lawmen to defend our rights and liberties, and we have to rely on them for justice. So they kill, killers. Killers die, unforgiven, angry, and remorseless. They come back, angry children who stab their classmates in kindergarden or even preschool. Five year olds looking up at adults and saying "you dont know who you are messing with". Children that show no remorse when they burn the neighbors cat alive in a trashcan. This is the world we created. By killing killers, like that is justice. If we want our children to be born hatefree, we have to learn that this isnt such a clear cut and black and white world as the Bible will tell you.
As far as Jesus's message, God's message. What is he really trying to tell us? You dont need some book with hundreds of pages that has been passed down for over 2000 years. Its a very simple message. Its the same message that Buddists, Pagans, Druids. All religions from every walk of life has the same bottom line message. And they dont have a "Book" for it. Simply put... Listen closely.....
If it harms none, do what ye will.
I live by that simple message every day. And so do thousands of others that are not labeled Christian. They dont kill others to spread that message. It is time that the human race grew up. It is time we stopped being angry teenagers shouting into the world "you dont understand me!!!" Stop. Just stop. Grow up.
I am not against punishment for your sins. This distrubs me cause he actually believes in Hell and that his son's killer will go there when he dies. This man is obviously a Christian. This man and his view is one of the million things I have against Christianity. This man is not alone in his opinion of reality.
What if I was to tell him that man will NOT go to Hell, he will only be reborn. And possibly come back very angry. Where do you think all these kids are coming from that already have anger and hate in their hearts from the time they were small? Bad genes? Bad parents? Bad parenting?
Many scientists have done studies to prove one way or another if its enviroment or genetics that make you who you are. What if its neither. What if its our past?
More and more every day I think this world would be better off if Christians were the minority. Now, I am not saying that some other religion is better. But really look at what has already been done in the name of God. The Christian God.
The Crusades, crusaders ran all over and basically said at the tip of a sword. Convert or die. Reminds me of Chronicles of Riddick really. They went everywhere. All over Europe. Our nations founding fathers ran to America to get away from all that tyrany. The pledge of allegiance got the words "Under God" added to them in 1954.
How about the Salem witch trials. Women were burned cause the bible says 'do not suffer a witch to live'. But there is the same problem with that as with every other translation. The original word literally translates to "poisioner" not "witch". But even so, Christian God says killing witches is ok.
I could go on and on here. But I wont. Wake up people, Reincarnation is real. Do you really think you are only allowed less than 100 years on this earth to determine where you will spend the rest of eternity? That is laughable. Its like telling your newborn baby, you have like one day to decide what you are going to be for the rest of your life. Maybe more like one hour. They cant even comprehend something like that.
For all of you that say, then why do we all not remember. I have an answer to that. Imagine all the cruelities that have been perpetrated on others. Rape, torture, death, maiming, disfigurement, being blind, loss of limbs, beatings. If you suffered any of that, would you want to remember it? Or when you rebirthed, would you want a clean slate? But our pains can carry over unconsciously. Fear of heights, of water, animals, inclosed spaces. Why does the general population seem like its getter angrier younger? Or why do we have more psychological problems? Because the bible says "an eye for an eye". We kill, killers. People dont die for a cause anymore. We dont kill to defend our home. We have to rely on this country's lawmen to defend our rights and liberties, and we have to rely on them for justice. So they kill, killers. Killers die, unforgiven, angry, and remorseless. They come back, angry children who stab their classmates in kindergarden or even preschool. Five year olds looking up at adults and saying "you dont know who you are messing with". Children that show no remorse when they burn the neighbors cat alive in a trashcan. This is the world we created. By killing killers, like that is justice. If we want our children to be born hatefree, we have to learn that this isnt such a clear cut and black and white world as the Bible will tell you.
As far as Jesus's message, God's message. What is he really trying to tell us? You dont need some book with hundreds of pages that has been passed down for over 2000 years. Its a very simple message. Its the same message that Buddists, Pagans, Druids. All religions from every walk of life has the same bottom line message. And they dont have a "Book" for it. Simply put... Listen closely.....
If it harms none, do what ye will.
I live by that simple message every day. And so do thousands of others that are not labeled Christian. They dont kill others to spread that message. It is time that the human race grew up. It is time we stopped being angry teenagers shouting into the world "you dont understand me!!!" Stop. Just stop. Grow up.
6 April 2012
So, I got a new post for My Every Day Meals blog, we had corn dogs, pasta salad, and brownies with cream cheese frosting. I also uploaded all my documents from my COM140 class. This new slideshare.com site was cool. Now I know how I can get my presentations on. Someone is +1'ing my posts but then never leave a comment. I have no idea who does this, it would be interesting to know if it is different people or just the same one. I would also like to know how to get my poetry blog read since I can't share it in my google newsreel. I had to make it the blog adults only because on some of my newest they got a little racy, I still think they are good, just a bit x-rated. I got +1'ed on the first two blogs before I changed the settings to over 18 only, and now I can't share them in my newsreel either. Ah well, for all those out there that read my posts, donate what you can to help me buy a real home for me and my girls. If you can't donate you can always use my google or amazon search to look for or buy some items. Any ad click will help me also. If you have no use for the search or amazon itself, leave a comment, (psst, I'll even take hate mail). I would love to hear from you. I got one more post to go tonight, I will post another old blog from myspace right here in my journal. Check out my other blogs when you get a chance.
See Y'all Laters!
See Y'all Laters!
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
23 Oct 2007
I am going through my old blogs from myspace and will be posting them here. This is from :
Oct 23, 2007
For Dad...
You have
got to see this from my point of view. Here you are 21years old, sitting in
your old room at your mom's house, because you have nowhere else to go.
Pregnant, looking back at the last 6 months, realizing that leaving your
husband and your child was the biggest mistake you could have made. Knowing
that you can't go back because there is some other woman in your place. Some
other woman loving your husband. Some other woman being called 'Mommy' by your
son. The father of your unborn baby, married man, disappeared with his whole
family when you told him you were pregnant. Your sister hates you because she
is also pregnant at the same time with her first child and doesnt want any of
mom's attention to be taking from her. Then your mother finds out you are
pregnant because your big mouth sister told on you. And she comes into your
room and yanks you down by the hair and tells you you will get an abortion. Not
asks, tells. And when you stand up to her for the first time in your whole life
and tell her no, it puts a rift between you.
Then you write a letter to your dad, because you figure he should know you are going to have another of his grandchildren. And you say don't write back or call until you can except it because you had all the yelling you can take from your mom. And you don't hear from him. So this, little baby, growing in your belly is the only thing you have in the whole world. You know this baby can make you better. Bring you out of this rut you are in. She is your salvation, your angel. So, you keep her. And you love her more than you have ever loved anything in your whole life. And she is everything you dreamed. She is your angel, your bright spot in the darkness. The only thing you have to live for, to fight for.
You go out to a strange city to help a grieving friend, who's mother passed away. And, after about 5 months there, the emotional rollercoaster your friends put you through drives you to a break. You turn to the only person you can think of that may help you. You have a job, you just need a safe place to put your angel. Cause just any place isnt good enough for your angel. You call your dad's and get his wife. You tell her what happened and ask if she can care for your angel. She says yes right away, makes all kinds of promises about "keeping the mother, daughter bond", and drives out right away. And they do keep their promises. For a short while.
Once the legal guardianship papers were signed, one by one the promises got broken. Oh! you got excuses, really lame ones. Cant afford the gas every week, cant afford the collect phone calls. All designed to put distance between me and my angel. Although you dont want to believe it. Finally when able to make the trip to her. As you look around the house she now lives in, you cant hold her, of course, because she is busy eating. you see your dad, whom you trusted more than any other person in the world, sitting you down and saying they are getting attached. And you see your dad with the fancy $2000 a week job. Pretty wife that stays at home. Nice church going Christians. Nice fancy house. Smart, soft-spoken lawyer. And you look at yourself. Your bedroom is a pantry. Labor pool job. $400 car. And you know you are screwed. They want to keep your child, your angel and there is nothing you can do about it.
You would have to hire an expensive lawyer and fight to get your child back. Meanwhile she is growing and you cant see her. The pain of leaving is way too much. You can not comprehend the pain of walking away from a child you love with all your heart and watching her concept of mom change from you to someone else. It is 13 years later and that thought still rips my heart.
you came back to the city then, because your son needed you. And he got better. But this isnt about him, it is about my dad and my angel. So I will not say more on that subject.
Almost 2 years have gone by now, and she has forgotten you even existed. And the worst tragedy of your entire life came. August 15th 1996. That day ripped your world and several others to pieces. Nothing was the same after that. But again, that is not for this story.
Short version, my son with his step sister and half sister was taking by the state and my husband was jailed. He got out of course, but not for a week. I didnt find out for 5 days that this had happened. By then there was nothing I could do but wait for the court date.
A month and a half or so later, On Oct 2, 1996, my husband’s girlfriend died. She was very sick. Died of kidney failure as a result of Hepatitis A. But that again, is another story. That is my son's part. By this time, the state had awarded temporary custody of your son to your dad. And your dad is the one who told him she had died. Your dad, tried alot of tactics to break us. He told fantastic stories about an angry boy he claimed was your son. I am not so sure. First we were allowed to come to his house to visit. Then we werent. Then he started to exaggerate things he saw at the place we used for our visits. Who can turn an innocent stuffed animal throwing fight into something sinister and violent? My dad in a court of law using the case worker as a mouthpiece. Who hasnt played a stuff animal fight or a pillow fight?
I got a crappy lawyer that was working "pro bono" which means he already doesnt care if I win. Then, your dad, gives your son back to the state saying that he is too violent on his sister. But you know his real reason. Your son knows the truth. He knows who her real parents are and he is old enough to tell her the truth.
Christmas comes, and you beg your sister who is going over to your dad's to take the camera and get pictures of your angel. You bring presents for her. Presents from "mommy and daddy" But your evil stepmother says to your angel your name instead of mommy. Because who is mommy now. She is. And the thought that your angel is calling your dad, daddy is just wrong in so many ways. What was wrong with being a grandfather to her? Why did you have to lie? Just so your wife can have a child?
Then, here is the dosy, your own father sues you for child support!! The same man who wont give her back, the same man that makes $2000 a week, needs child support from someone making minimum wage? That is soo transparent. He is looking to increase the financial burden so you will give up rights to your angel. But that isnt going to happen. You agreed to garnished wages. So from that point it was your works job to take out the money. Which actually they didnt do. So what does your loving dad do now? He takes you back to court!!
When the judge realizes that the man suing you is your father, he asks your dad what he wants to happen. Your dad says, "I don't know what to do with her anymore". The judge says "Well, sir, I am going to reprimand her to the county jail" and your father says, if you can believe this "Do what you have to do" So, what did the judge do? "Ma'am, I am reprimanding you to the county jail" And just like that they came over with handcuffs, ready to cuff you and take you to jail. Your husband and newborn daughter outside waiting for you. You plead with the judge. "Please dont put me in jail. I am the sole support for my family. I am 5months pregnant. I get paid tomorrow and rent is tomorrow. If I don't pay it they will get kicked out." The judge has a kinder heart than your own dad. He lets you off with a stiff fine that needs to be paid within a week.
After that, your paranoia escalates to its highest degree. One night while walking home, a cop car drives by, and your mind tells you that they are out looking for you. Your dad has found some way to throw you in jail and they are coming for you. You are so scared you can't talk. Your only thought is "Get home". Walking in the door, your husband is there, seeing you. Does just what he knows will calm you. And your brother, who was watching, will swear to this day, if not for your husband, you would have lost your mind.
But your dad has one more tactic to pull before he finally won the prize. He sued me to terminate my parental rights to my angel. You knew then you could not win. That was not a fight you could win. You had no lawyer, no money. And your other kid is in the states custody right now. And they are finding reason after reason not to return the child. You are good enough to keep your baby girl you had after the state took your son and your dad took your angel. But you are not good enough to have your son returned. Figure that one out.
So, your dad with his $2000 a week job, and smart fancy lawyer was going to mudsling you until you lost. And you had nothing to fight with. You couldnt even go to the court room. Couldnt even look at the man who for the last 5 years had put you thru hell on earth. For what? So his wife could be called Mommy?
He would tell you that he was protecting her, saving her from me. That the harm you did her in the first 5months of her life was so detrimental, that he had to take these steps. What harm. A little undernorished. Missed a couple of shots. She was fed, clothed and loved.
So, to save any chance you had of winning my son, you conceded defeat. And lost your angel. You made the ultimate sacrifice. You sacrificed one child to save the other. How can your own father make you make that kind of choice. The man who gave you life. The man who held you when you were small. The man who you loved more than any other person on the entire planet.
Shortly after that, my dad disappeared. Refused to come to my sister's wedding. And has absolutely no contact with any of us. And I have not seen, or heard from my father or my angel in 10 years.
There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of them. Not once can I think of them without feeling the raw, open wounds that still exist on my heart and my soul. Wounds that can not heal. Not for another 5 years. Not till she is 18, and I am allowed to hold my angel again.
Five years on Oct 24th, She will be 13 tomorrow. Instead of being able to watch her open presents, take her picture, tell her I love her, or even send a card. I am left with this open, raw, festering wound on my heart.
Happy Birthday Baby, I love you and think of you every day.
Then you write a letter to your dad, because you figure he should know you are going to have another of his grandchildren. And you say don't write back or call until you can except it because you had all the yelling you can take from your mom. And you don't hear from him. So this, little baby, growing in your belly is the only thing you have in the whole world. You know this baby can make you better. Bring you out of this rut you are in. She is your salvation, your angel. So, you keep her. And you love her more than you have ever loved anything in your whole life. And she is everything you dreamed. She is your angel, your bright spot in the darkness. The only thing you have to live for, to fight for.
You go out to a strange city to help a grieving friend, who's mother passed away. And, after about 5 months there, the emotional rollercoaster your friends put you through drives you to a break. You turn to the only person you can think of that may help you. You have a job, you just need a safe place to put your angel. Cause just any place isnt good enough for your angel. You call your dad's and get his wife. You tell her what happened and ask if she can care for your angel. She says yes right away, makes all kinds of promises about "keeping the mother, daughter bond", and drives out right away. And they do keep their promises. For a short while.
Once the legal guardianship papers were signed, one by one the promises got broken. Oh! you got excuses, really lame ones. Cant afford the gas every week, cant afford the collect phone calls. All designed to put distance between me and my angel. Although you dont want to believe it. Finally when able to make the trip to her. As you look around the house she now lives in, you cant hold her, of course, because she is busy eating. you see your dad, whom you trusted more than any other person in the world, sitting you down and saying they are getting attached. And you see your dad with the fancy $2000 a week job. Pretty wife that stays at home. Nice church going Christians. Nice fancy house. Smart, soft-spoken lawyer. And you look at yourself. Your bedroom is a pantry. Labor pool job. $400 car. And you know you are screwed. They want to keep your child, your angel and there is nothing you can do about it.
You would have to hire an expensive lawyer and fight to get your child back. Meanwhile she is growing and you cant see her. The pain of leaving is way too much. You can not comprehend the pain of walking away from a child you love with all your heart and watching her concept of mom change from you to someone else. It is 13 years later and that thought still rips my heart.
you came back to the city then, because your son needed you. And he got better. But this isnt about him, it is about my dad and my angel. So I will not say more on that subject.
Almost 2 years have gone by now, and she has forgotten you even existed. And the worst tragedy of your entire life came. August 15th 1996. That day ripped your world and several others to pieces. Nothing was the same after that. But again, that is not for this story.
Short version, my son with his step sister and half sister was taking by the state and my husband was jailed. He got out of course, but not for a week. I didnt find out for 5 days that this had happened. By then there was nothing I could do but wait for the court date.
A month and a half or so later, On Oct 2, 1996, my husband’s girlfriend died. She was very sick. Died of kidney failure as a result of Hepatitis A. But that again, is another story. That is my son's part. By this time, the state had awarded temporary custody of your son to your dad. And your dad is the one who told him she had died. Your dad, tried alot of tactics to break us. He told fantastic stories about an angry boy he claimed was your son. I am not so sure. First we were allowed to come to his house to visit. Then we werent. Then he started to exaggerate things he saw at the place we used for our visits. Who can turn an innocent stuffed animal throwing fight into something sinister and violent? My dad in a court of law using the case worker as a mouthpiece. Who hasnt played a stuff animal fight or a pillow fight?
I got a crappy lawyer that was working "pro bono" which means he already doesnt care if I win. Then, your dad, gives your son back to the state saying that he is too violent on his sister. But you know his real reason. Your son knows the truth. He knows who her real parents are and he is old enough to tell her the truth.
Christmas comes, and you beg your sister who is going over to your dad's to take the camera and get pictures of your angel. You bring presents for her. Presents from "mommy and daddy" But your evil stepmother says to your angel your name instead of mommy. Because who is mommy now. She is. And the thought that your angel is calling your dad, daddy is just wrong in so many ways. What was wrong with being a grandfather to her? Why did you have to lie? Just so your wife can have a child?
Then, here is the dosy, your own father sues you for child support!! The same man who wont give her back, the same man that makes $2000 a week, needs child support from someone making minimum wage? That is soo transparent. He is looking to increase the financial burden so you will give up rights to your angel. But that isnt going to happen. You agreed to garnished wages. So from that point it was your works job to take out the money. Which actually they didnt do. So what does your loving dad do now? He takes you back to court!!
When the judge realizes that the man suing you is your father, he asks your dad what he wants to happen. Your dad says, "I don't know what to do with her anymore". The judge says "Well, sir, I am going to reprimand her to the county jail" and your father says, if you can believe this "Do what you have to do" So, what did the judge do? "Ma'am, I am reprimanding you to the county jail" And just like that they came over with handcuffs, ready to cuff you and take you to jail. Your husband and newborn daughter outside waiting for you. You plead with the judge. "Please dont put me in jail. I am the sole support for my family. I am 5months pregnant. I get paid tomorrow and rent is tomorrow. If I don't pay it they will get kicked out." The judge has a kinder heart than your own dad. He lets you off with a stiff fine that needs to be paid within a week.
After that, your paranoia escalates to its highest degree. One night while walking home, a cop car drives by, and your mind tells you that they are out looking for you. Your dad has found some way to throw you in jail and they are coming for you. You are so scared you can't talk. Your only thought is "Get home". Walking in the door, your husband is there, seeing you. Does just what he knows will calm you. And your brother, who was watching, will swear to this day, if not for your husband, you would have lost your mind.
But your dad has one more tactic to pull before he finally won the prize. He sued me to terminate my parental rights to my angel. You knew then you could not win. That was not a fight you could win. You had no lawyer, no money. And your other kid is in the states custody right now. And they are finding reason after reason not to return the child. You are good enough to keep your baby girl you had after the state took your son and your dad took your angel. But you are not good enough to have your son returned. Figure that one out.
So, your dad with his $2000 a week job, and smart fancy lawyer was going to mudsling you until you lost. And you had nothing to fight with. You couldnt even go to the court room. Couldnt even look at the man who for the last 5 years had put you thru hell on earth. For what? So his wife could be called Mommy?
He would tell you that he was protecting her, saving her from me. That the harm you did her in the first 5months of her life was so detrimental, that he had to take these steps. What harm. A little undernorished. Missed a couple of shots. She was fed, clothed and loved.
So, to save any chance you had of winning my son, you conceded defeat. And lost your angel. You made the ultimate sacrifice. You sacrificed one child to save the other. How can your own father make you make that kind of choice. The man who gave you life. The man who held you when you were small. The man who you loved more than any other person on the entire planet.
Shortly after that, my dad disappeared. Refused to come to my sister's wedding. And has absolutely no contact with any of us. And I have not seen, or heard from my father or my angel in 10 years.
There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of them. Not once can I think of them without feeling the raw, open wounds that still exist on my heart and my soul. Wounds that can not heal. Not for another 5 years. Not till she is 18, and I am allowed to hold my angel again.
Five years on Oct 24th, She will be 13 tomorrow. Instead of being able to watch her open presents, take her picture, tell her I love her, or even send a card. I am left with this open, raw, festering wound on my heart.
Happy Birthday Baby, I love you and think of you every day.
Update: This is the year, she will be 18 this year! Since writing this my dad has contact with my sister who now doesn't talk to me. My Angel and my Son talk through Facebook, she thinks I am a liar and can not be trusted. I have reached out to my father and even though he stated he would be open to communication (after reminding me I am apparently legally not allowed) I have not heard from him at all, that was several years ago. I still have wished her Happy birthday each year in my heart and that wound is still there, open and festering.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
1 April 2012
Today has been a busy day, I found a website that spelled out what all the others just hint on,. Affiliate Marketing is the answer. This is what all those sites are all about teaching you when they say $99 knocked down to $47, or whatever it is they say. They teach you how to do affiliate marketing. I found the secret. It is no get rick quick scheme. It is hard work and takes a long time to pay off, depending on the tools you have at your disposal. For those who can shell out the $100 or so, then signing up for one of these is the way to go. There are literally hundreds out there to choose from. Some of them do teach you to sell things like Herbalife, or a similar product. For those without a dime, like me, to spend on anything you have to do things from scratch. You first need a blog. Any blog will work, these affiliate marketing people will tell you to get your own dot com. And then to buy web hosting, etc. For me I have this blog, on blogger.com and I am adding Google adsense to it. Any link or ad you click on from my website I will make a few cents. Of course you can see right off the possibilities along with the downfalls. Potentially you can make hundreds of dollars, but the trick is to get people to view your blog. How do you do that?
You need to think of something people will want to read about. What did I do? As of right now, I have four blogs on blogger.com. Just created three tonight. The first one, of course, is this blog. I set this up in order to share some stuff about myself with whoever listens and added the adsense and donate buttons in hopes someone will help me buy a home for my family and I. Ultimately that is my goal. To own my own home. Something with a yard that is safe for my girls to go outside. My girls rarely get to go outside to play simply because the places I have lived did not have anywhere safe for them to play. My Lila loves outside, but doesn't ever get to just run and run. I would love to get into a job that would allow me to be with my girls, I have lots of ideas for businesses but I am really bad with follow thru. But tonight I created three additional blogs. The first is just an extra blog for some of what I used this for, my dinners. Tonight we cooked Navajo Tacos and that was my first blog. You can check it out at http://myeverydaymeals.blogspot.com/ It also has my adsense and donate buttons, along with my referral links to my favorite sites, inbox dollars and swagbucks.com. The second blog I created was easiest I am posting my old papers. I always when researching information for my school papers, benefited when reading something someone else already wrote to help me get an idea on what I was supposed to write and some ideas on what to include. I figured someone else might need that also, there is a disclaimer at the bottom that will hopefully reduce or remove plagiarism. I posted my first week on my first class tonight. That is at http://myuopxschoolpapers.blogspot.com The last blog I created was devoted solely to my affiliate marketing work. I wrote a quick blog and included a link to a great site to help with affiliate marketing. That ink is: http://mostprofitableaffiliatemarketinglinks.blogspot.com/. All blogs have the donate button and adsense. Along with my inbox dollars and swagbucks widget.
So, check out some of my new blogs. I will update you all on this with my progress and how well they are working out. My goal is one year from today to be able to 'quit my day job'. LOL. Not sure if I could get away with it since I work for my Aunt, but you never know. Let me know what you think too. I would love to hear your comments.
TTFN! (as Tigger says)
You need to think of something people will want to read about. What did I do? As of right now, I have four blogs on blogger.com. Just created three tonight. The first one, of course, is this blog. I set this up in order to share some stuff about myself with whoever listens and added the adsense and donate buttons in hopes someone will help me buy a home for my family and I. Ultimately that is my goal. To own my own home. Something with a yard that is safe for my girls to go outside. My girls rarely get to go outside to play simply because the places I have lived did not have anywhere safe for them to play. My Lila loves outside, but doesn't ever get to just run and run. I would love to get into a job that would allow me to be with my girls, I have lots of ideas for businesses but I am really bad with follow thru. But tonight I created three additional blogs. The first is just an extra blog for some of what I used this for, my dinners. Tonight we cooked Navajo Tacos and that was my first blog. You can check it out at http://myeverydaymeals.blogspot.com/ It also has my adsense and donate buttons, along with my referral links to my favorite sites, inbox dollars and swagbucks.com. The second blog I created was easiest I am posting my old papers. I always when researching information for my school papers, benefited when reading something someone else already wrote to help me get an idea on what I was supposed to write and some ideas on what to include. I figured someone else might need that also, there is a disclaimer at the bottom that will hopefully reduce or remove plagiarism. I posted my first week on my first class tonight. That is at http://myuopxschoolpapers.blogspot.com The last blog I created was devoted solely to my affiliate marketing work. I wrote a quick blog and included a link to a great site to help with affiliate marketing. That ink is: http://mostprofitableaffiliatemarketinglinks.blogspot.com/. All blogs have the donate button and adsense. Along with my inbox dollars and swagbucks widget.
So, check out some of my new blogs. I will update you all on this with my progress and how well they are working out. My goal is one year from today to be able to 'quit my day job'. LOL. Not sure if I could get away with it since I work for my Aunt, but you never know. Let me know what you think too. I would love to hear your comments.
TTFN! (as Tigger says)
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