For Dad,

You have got to see this from my point of view. Here you are 21years old, sitting in your old room at your mom's house, because you have nowhere else to go. Pregnant, looking back at the last 6 months, realizing that leaving your husband and your child was the biggest mistake you could have made. Knowing that you can't go back because there is some other woman in your place. Some other woman loving your husband. Some other woman being called 'Mommy' by your son. The father of your unborn baby, married man, disappeared with his whole family when you told him you were pregnant. Your sister hates you because she is also pregnant at the same time with her first child and doesnt want any of mom's attention to be taking from her. Then your mother finds out you are pregnant because your big mouth sister told on you. And she comes into your room and yanks you down by the hair and tells you you will get an abortion. Not asks, tells. And when you stand up to her for the first time in your whole life and tell her no, it puts a rift between you.
Then you write a letter to your dad, because you figure he should know you are going to have another of his grandchildren. And you say don't write back or call until you can except it because you had all the yelling you can take from your mom. And you don't hear from him. So this, little baby, growing in your belly is the only thing you have in the whole world. You know this baby can make you better. Bring you out of this rut you are in. She is your salvation, your angel. So, you keep her. And you love her more than you have every loved anything in your whole life. And she is everything you dreamed. She is your angel, your bright spot in the darkness. The only thing you have to live for, to fight for.
You go out to a strange city to help a grieveing friend, who's mother passed away. And, after about 5 months there, the emotional rollercoaster your friends put you through drives you to a break. You turn to the only person you can think of that may help you. You have a job, you just need a safe place to put your angel. Cause just any place isnt good enough for your angel. You call your dad's and get his wife. You tell her what happened and ask if she can care for your angel. She says yes right away, makes all kinds of promises about "keeping the mother, daughter bond", and drives out right away. And they do keep their promises. For a short while.
Once the legal guardianship papers were signed, one by one the promises got broken. Oh! you got excuses, really lame ones. Cant afford the gas every week, cant afford the collect phone calls. All designed to put distance between me and my angel. Although you dont want to believe it. Finally when able to make the trip to her. As you look around the house she now lives in, you cant hold her, of course, because she is busy eating. you see your dad, whom you trusted more than any other person in the world, sitting you down and saying they are getting attached. And you see your dad with the fancy $2000 a week job. Pretty wife that stays at home. Nice church going christians. Nice fancy house. Smart, soft-spoken lawyer. And you look at yourself. Your bedroom is a pantry. Labor pool job. $400 car. And you know you are screwed. They want to keep your child, your angel and there is nothing you can do about it.
You would have to hire an expensive lawyer and fight to get your child back. Meanwhile she is growing and you cant see her. The pain of leaving is way too much. You can not comprehend the pain of walking away from a child you love with all your heart and watching her concept of mom change from you to someone else. It is 13 years later and that thought still rips my heart.
you came back to the city then, because your son needed you. And he got better. But this isnt about him, it is about my dad and my angel. So I will not say more on that subject.
Almost 2 years have gone by now, and she has forgotten you even existed. And the worst tragedy of your entire life came. August 15th 1996. That day ripped your world and several others to pieces. Nothing was the same after that. But again, that is not for this story.
Short verizon, my son with his step siter and half sister was taking by the state and my husband was jailed. He got out of course, but not for a week. I didnt find out for 5 days that this had happened. By then there was nothing I could do but wait for the court date.
Two weeks or so later, On Oct 2, 1996, my husbands girlfriend died. She was very sick. Died of kidney failure as a result of Hepatitis A. But that again, is another story. That is my son's story. By this time, the state had awarded temporary custody of your son to your dad. And your dad is the one who told him she had died. Your dad, tried alot of tactics to break us. He told fantastic stories about an angry boy he claimed was your son. I am not so sure. First we were allowed to come to his house to visit. Then we werent. Then he started to exaggerate things he saw at the place we used for our visits. Who can turn an innocent stuffed animal throwing fight into something sinister and violent? My dad in a court of law using the case worker as a mouthpiece. Who hasnt played a stuff animal fight or a pillow fight?
I got a crappy lawyer that was working "pro bono" which means he already doesnt care if I win. Then, your dad, gives your son back to the state saying that he is too violent on his sister. But you know his real reason. Your son knows the truth. He knows who her real parents are and he is old enough to tell her the truth.
Christmas comes, and you beg your sister who is going over to your dad's to take the camera and get pictures of your angel. You bring presents for her. Presents from "mommy and daddy" But your evil stepmother says to your angel your name instead of mommy. Because who is mommy now. She is. And the thought that your angel is calling your dad, daddy is just wrong in so many ways. What was wrong with being a grandfather to her? Why did you have to lie? Just so your wife can have a child?
Then, here is the dosy, your own father sues you for childsupport!! The same man who wont give her back, the same man that makes $2000 a week, needs childsupport from someone making minimum wage? That is soo transparent. He is looking to increase the financial burden so you will give up rights to your angel. But that isnt going to happen. You agreed to garnished wages. So from that point it was your works job to take out the money. Which actually they didnt do. So what does your loving dad do now? He takes you back to court!!
When the judge realizes that the man sueing you is your father, he asks your dad what he wants to happen. Your dad says, "I don't know what to do with her anymore". The judge says "Well, sir, I am going to reprimand her to the county jail" and your father says, if you can believe this "Do what you have to do" So, what did the judge do? "Ma'am, I am reprimanding you to the county jail" And just like that they came over with handcuffs, ready to cuff you and take you to jail. Your husband and new born daughter outside waiting for you. You plead with the judge. "Please dont put me in jail. I am the sole support for my family. I am 5months pregnant. I get paid tomorrow and rent is tomorrow. If I don't pay it they will get kicked out." The judge has a kinder heart than your own dad. He lets you off with a stiff fine that needs to be paid within a week.
After that, your paranoia escalates to its highest degree. One night while walking home, a cop car drives by, and your mind tells you that they are out looking for you. Your dad has found some way to throw you in jail and they are coming for you. You are so scared you can't talk. Your only thought is "Get home". Walking in the door, your husband is there, seeing you. Does just what he knows will calm you. And your brother, who was watching, will swear to this day, if not for your husband, you would have lost your mind.
But your dad has one more tactic to pull before he finally won the prize. He sued me to terminate my parental rights to my angel. You knew then you could not win. That was not a fight you could win. You had no lawyer, no money. And your other kid is in the states custody right now. And they are finding reason after reason not to return the child. You are good enough to keep your baby girl you had after the state took your son and your dad took your angel. But you are not good enough to have your son returned. Figure that one out.
So, your dad with his $2000 a week job, and smart fancy lawyer was going to mudsling you until you lost. And you had nothing to fight with. You couldnt even go to the court room. Couldnt even look at the man who for the last 5 years had put you thru hell on earth. For what? So his wife could be called Mommy?
He would tell you that he was protecting her, saving her from me. That the harm you did her in the first 5months of her life was so determental, that he had to take these steps. What harm. A little undernorished. Missed a couple of shots. She was fed, clothed and loved.
So, to save any chance you had of winning my son, you conceided defeat. And lost your angel. You made the ultimate sacrifice. You sacrificed one child to save the other. How can your own father make you make that kind of choice. The man who gave you life. The man who held you when you were small. The man who you loved more than any other person on the entire planet.
Shortly after that, my dad disappeared. Refused to come to my sister's wedding. And has absolutly no contact with any of us. And I have not seen, or heard from my father or my angel in 10 years.
There is not a day that goes by that I dont think of them. Not once can I think of them without feeling the raw, open wounds that still exist on my heart and my soul. Wounds that can not heal. Not for another 5 years. Not till she is 18, and I am allowed to hold my angel again.

Quote

True Champions don't have to boast their own accomplishments, Their accomplishments speak for themselves.

---Susan Eldridge

Venting

Ever felt like the guy in charge of your little group at work is a complete moronic idiot!! Only worried about numbers and not the customers attached to those numbers!! WTF!! Come on!! Can't wait even a few hours for the right answer, to do either a or b. just do b and leave it alone. (insert curse words, here) Someone needs to put this guy in his place. Unfortunately, it can not be me.

Writer's Block

You know, I started this blog, so I could get all the thoughts that are in my head out onto print and share some of it with the world. But as I sat here for the first time. My mind went completely blank as to anything I wanted to say at all. Funny, so, I decided I would write about that first. Maybe that will get my thoughts rolling. Too bad, I can't walk and type. That is when my mind is the most at work. When I walk.