I am noticing it has been quite a while since I wrote a new blog entry. ALOT has happened, in fact the word "alot" is kinda small compared with the changes I have experienced in the past six months. We are now living back in Orlando, I moved in with my sister and her family. We left pennsylvania July 4th. The drive was hell, it took two days as I could not drive straight thru. My truck made it and I have been using it since I got here.
Nothing went the way it was supposed to. I made plans to start Mary Kay with one of my friends. The first Monday I was here I had the whole day planned out. I was gonna get all nice and go over to her house, she was gonna walk me through using text to get some facial parties. After we were gonna go out and try to find a dress I didn't look totally fat in and I could stand since I really don't like dresses. Let me pause....
I do like dresses, but I hate when someone tells me if I wear a dress I look more professional and other women would more likely buy from me if I was wearing a dress. Really?? Are women just as stereotypical about what women wear as everyone else?? We get pissed at men for objectifying women cause of what we wear and here is someone telling me that my clients/customers/whatever will judge me because of what I wear?? Nice.
Anyways, after shopping I was gonna go to my first Mary Kay meeting at the shop. I was supposed to have an awesome day with one of my best friends. It didn't turn out that way at all.
It started as planned, I did get dressed nice and go over to her house but she was so tired it took hours to get the texting done. I had to prompt her with every little thing. Then after a bit, she laid out on the couch and started falling asleep. Here I am expecting we would go out and look for a dress, I needed her to help me pick one that looked nice since all I would see if a fat person trying to look nice. I got so upset, I just left to do it myself. I couldn't really get mad at her cause I know what kind of hard time she has been going through the last few months. So I just swallowed my anger and left. I told her I would come back when it was time to go to the meeting. She didn't have alot of gas and I still had plenty. She said that we had to leave her house no later than 6:30pm. I went out and did find a few dresses I could stand. At home when I was getting ready, I realized, I didn't have any underwear. Yes I know, but I am always wearing jeans, and the last two times I tried buying underwear, I first bought some too big, then too small so I just gave up. I texted my friend at 6pm saying I had a problem that might prevent me from going since they want you in a dress. She didn't get back to me, and after about 15 mins I asked if I could just wear pants. I got no answer and 6:25 I texted saying I was just gonna wear pants and I would be right there. I still got no answer. I arrived at her home at 6:34, 4 mintues past what I was supposed to be. You would assume that if I was late, the person I was picking up would be pacing and irritated watching for when I arrived. When I got there another friend of ours, a guy friend, his bike was there. This guy I was currently mad at for slowly freezing me out of his life ever since this girl friend I am currently talking about became single. I am used to coming in second place whenever a guy meets her but I thought this guy had enough balls to tell me he wasn't interested in me like that anymore. Anyways, when I saw his bike, and the fact that she hadn't been answering me AND she had been very tired and depressed earlier that day. I thought she may have been sleeping or having sex, and neither was I gonna walk in on. So I called, and texted, and waited. Waited several mintues, then decided to leave.
Well within a min or two of pulling away she calls me back yelling at me that I left and now she is gonna look like an ass for breaking a promise to her director about our attendance. She didn't wanna hear anything I had to say and I couldn't tell her why I was mad at our guy friend cause I still hadn't confronted him yet. I ended up buying a 12 pack of bud and sitting in my truck drinking until my sister got home.
So yeah, my plans started going wrong right away. My Mary Kay friend spent alot of time with this guy that prevented me from spending any time with her. I never knew when he was there or not and I did NOT want to see him with her in the same room. I had already watched it once, both ways, and I couldn't do it again. We did try to get together for an event, but that went bad too. This time she would pick me up, I got up early, dressed early, and was waiting for her an hour before her event started. Long about the time the event was supposed to start, I fell asleep waiting for her and never heard my phone since I was in my room and it was in the living room. My daughter didn't come get me when it rang either. She finally called me an hour after the event should have started. I woke up when my sister came into the room after getting off work and I checked my phone. I texted my friend and she said "I tried calling but figured you just bailed again" really?? I bailed?? I didn't fucking "bail" either time. But of course, she wont see it that way cause its me that is the loser. I am the fucking loser that can never do anything right. She sees me that way and I am guessing that wont change. So I am just done with the whole thing.
Of course, she doesnt know any of this and I am not gonna tell her cause its not like she would believe me anyways. I am a loser, remember.
So once my savings ran out, I started donating plasma. I registered with the local temp agency but no job yet. And I ran into an old friend.
I was just sitting at home and suddenly got this overwhelming urge to go to the Walmart. I didn't need anything but it was so overwhelming I couldn't ignore it. So I loaded up my girls and went. And who did I see but an old boyfriend I treated badly. He was really happy to see me and we exchanged phone numbers. My phone was off at the time but a few days later I got it back on and texted him. He invited me over for dinner and since it was a school night I went alone. We had a great time, talked about everything and ended up making out for six hours. I went home around 5 in the morning. It felt so good being with him and I have been seeing/dating him for about a month now. He still had issues trusting me, I am the one who broke off our relationship 13 years ago. But we are working through them, and he says he trusts me just worries I will do it again. I can't blame him either, I told him I will work every day to earn his trust back.
We go scrapping together most days and he is so patient with me. Noone understands why I am seeing him but if anyone ever really looks at him and sees how much he already loves me, they would understand.
He had an interview yesterday and got the job, and he is talking to a college about a design degree. He is an awesome artist, he draws, paints, writes music, plays music, and writes comics. We went to Artlando together last weekend and we saw Peter Frampton downtown last night. I spend every Saturday night at his place and little Lila has spent the night a few times as well. They get along well together and he is really patient with her. Raven seems to like him too and remembers him from when she was small.
One more big change to mention. I started working on my Masters degree in Elementary Education. I am at the end of my third week of my first class. Doing good so far. 97% so far in my class. Still waiting on my loan to go through so I will have some money. Currently my phone is off but I am hoping for enough money from ebay by tuesday to have it back on. My guys' birthday is next week and I am hoping to take him to dinner and get him something I know he will LOVE. Then I got Raven's birthday next and Halloween.
Hope I will get back to you before all that but if not I will be here to update you when I do.
Love you all, and thanks for reading.
Oh, watch my youtube channel, working on a good copy of a song my guy wrote to post. Very exciting!!
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
27 March 2014
So, alot has happened in the past few weeks since I last wrote to you. Many of you are now aware of my plans and also the tragedy that struck our family last year. We are all recovering well and continue to strive each day to move forward with our lives. It is a fight each day to get some kind of normalcy without professional therapy. Don't get me wrong, I do not have a problem with therapy but its not for my daughter. Therapy will not help her. I have some skills from trying to help myself so I can help her in some ways. Therapy will only make this more tragic than it already is. I don't want her reliving this every session. If I was a less involved mother or if she was out in the world on her own, or her problems were too big for me then I would be taking her. But none of that is true. Getting her home where the air is cleaner, she has more physical support, and a more normal routine is gonna be very helpful. It will also help Lila and I. I love my Aunt, so much more than I though I could and I owe her more than I could ever repay, but I need this almost as much as the girls do. I will miss alot here in Pennsylvania, some of these kids among the most, but this is what is best for us. I am hoping for a yearly trip for my Aunt's piggy roast on the second Saturday in September each year. It will be great to be able to see everyone each year.
I plan on moving our family back to Orlando at the end of June. I am aiming for July 2nd to be my last day at work and probably leave before weekend traffic. I am a bit nervous about driving on the highway since I am not comfortable with high speeds and heavy traffic. I bought a new truck last Saturday. It is a huge red Dodge pickup truck with an extended cab and 8 ft bed with a topper. Its a beast and a gas guzzler, but I am sure it will get me home. It rides real smooth and has been taken well care of by one family since it was new in 1991. Its gotta carburetor so I have to remember to pump the gas before I start it each day but I got a strong battery. I'm getting some new tires put on at inspection and a mechanic friend will be doing itty bitty work to it to get it ready for the long trip. I have been driving it to and from work, (even though I am not supposed to since it doesn't have a current inspection) just so it doesn't sit for a week until then and I can get used to the size of the truck. I am getting more comfortable with it each day and am falling in love with it. My girls are liking it too.
I am wanting to visit a few people on my way down. I would love to see Grandpa Dave, my Mom, some friends in Chattanooga, and my friends and almost step-daughters and nieces in Tallahassee. I wont be in a rush to arrive in Orlando so taking my time visiting people should be good. It will also give my truck some down time and not a straight run through. A stop in DC for the historical scenery might be something I stick in there too. It is a stop that we wanted to make in 2010 when we went down to Orlando from Iowa but the jeep tried to break down on us so we just made a run for it. I will have everything I want to take with me in the back of the truck. It will be really refreshing to have no crap weighing me down. I am gonna apply for a teaching certificate in Florida and apply for a kindergarten job for the 2014-2015 school year. With my bachelors and experience I should be accepted.
I am taking donations from people at my PayPal for anyone who wants to help us out with the trip or survival after we arrive in Orlando until I get on my feet. Just hit the donate button and send some money. I have 15 weeks before I leave. After talking about and planning this trip for the past year, to count in the number of weeks is a bit scary and exhilarating.
I plan on moving our family back to Orlando at the end of June. I am aiming for July 2nd to be my last day at work and probably leave before weekend traffic. I am a bit nervous about driving on the highway since I am not comfortable with high speeds and heavy traffic. I bought a new truck last Saturday. It is a huge red Dodge pickup truck with an extended cab and 8 ft bed with a topper. Its a beast and a gas guzzler, but I am sure it will get me home. It rides real smooth and has been taken well care of by one family since it was new in 1991. Its gotta carburetor so I have to remember to pump the gas before I start it each day but I got a strong battery. I'm getting some new tires put on at inspection and a mechanic friend will be doing itty bitty work to it to get it ready for the long trip. I have been driving it to and from work, (even though I am not supposed to since it doesn't have a current inspection) just so it doesn't sit for a week until then and I can get used to the size of the truck. I am getting more comfortable with it each day and am falling in love with it. My girls are liking it too.
I am wanting to visit a few people on my way down. I would love to see Grandpa Dave, my Mom, some friends in Chattanooga, and my friends and almost step-daughters and nieces in Tallahassee. I wont be in a rush to arrive in Orlando so taking my time visiting people should be good. It will also give my truck some down time and not a straight run through. A stop in DC for the historical scenery might be something I stick in there too. It is a stop that we wanted to make in 2010 when we went down to Orlando from Iowa but the jeep tried to break down on us so we just made a run for it. I will have everything I want to take with me in the back of the truck. It will be really refreshing to have no crap weighing me down. I am gonna apply for a teaching certificate in Florida and apply for a kindergarten job for the 2014-2015 school year. With my bachelors and experience I should be accepted.
I am taking donations from people at my PayPal for anyone who wants to help us out with the trip or survival after we arrive in Orlando until I get on my feet. Just hit the donate button and send some money. I have 15 weeks before I leave. After talking about and planning this trip for the past year, to count in the number of weeks is a bit scary and exhilarating.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
1 March 2014
This day was filled with every emotion in the book. As some of you know already I started my own Mary Kay business. I received my starter kit on February 28th, 2014. This is the year of change. I am actually super excited about stepping out of myself and becoming someone new. For thirty years I have been standoffish, reserved, quiet, and reclusive. I have felt abandoned, alone, hurt, and betrayed by so many that claimed, and were supposed, to love me it was hard to be any other way than rude, bitchy, and generally mean to anyone who tried speaking to me.
My children are getting older and they don't need me so much and I have been thinking about what I will have in this life once they are 'out of the nest' so to speak. I have a few close friends (really one or two) and a few more good friends, but nothing in my life is for me. Everything I have done since my Raven was born has been about her and then Lila when she came along. It is no secret among those I know that I utter failed with my first two children and that killed me so much I was determined to be the best mother I could when Raven came along. I made my whole life about her and making sure I did everything in my power to do what was right for my kids.
Raven is 16 this year and I find myself facing the fact that not only will she be going out on her own more but my Lila who is 9 is not someone I can smother the way Raven allowed me to. The more they grow, the less they will need me on a 24/7 basis and I am left wondering what I am making in my life for myself. What will I have when they are on their own?
I am not regretting, or sad about this growth in them but I am proud that I am raised two very independent and capable children who will not need to be sheltered, coddled, or supported when they are grown. And in furtherance of the objective not to grab my children when they wish to fly and pull them back for my own selfish, needy reasons, I have decided I need to make something for myself now.
I tried Mary Kay in the past and was not very successful, to be fair it is not only my failure but the failure of those that should have supported me as I tried to step out of my comfort zone. Just in the past six months I have had another huge betrayal by someone who is supposed to love me but instead of allowing this to make me more reclusive and standoffish, I am choosing to not let it stop me from reaching out and becoming someone new. I had another opportunity to get into Mary Kay and I decided to take it. I love the product, I love the message Mary Kay gives to women, I love the feeling of being empowered to change my life by myself.
I won't really do it ALL by myself but with an incredible team to support me as I go out into the world and use Mary Kay products to empower other women and to make a lot of friends.
So all that being said, I want to tell you about my first day going out into the world as a Mary Kay Beauty Consultant.
I knew I could not approach strangers yet and try pitching Mary Kay. Its really not how I'm built, so the HUGE bag I got with my starter kit has the Mary Kay logo on the outside. I decided to carry this bag with me on my Saturday errands and if someone approached me I would not shoot them down or avoid them, I would talk to them. It is a heavy bag, even when practically empty and I was sure my shoulder would be hurting when I got home, but I figured if even one person talked to me it would be worth it. I put a few things I might need if someone talked to me in the bag and left to go on my errands. I needed to go to the library to return a game, deposit my check at the bank, and take the bus to the mall to get my new Driver's License picture taken at the DMV. Really anyone who doesn't already know that the bag is a Mary Kay bag would have to read the logo to know and its tiny and only on one side but I still felt like I had a huge neon sign blinking and pointing at me all day.
My day started before I even left the house, I got Raven into the bathroom and we tried the Time Wise Miracle Set which starts with a cleanser, then a day solution with SPF, and a moisturizer. We both used it. I also tried out the Mineral foundation on her face. She loved it all, and was very impressed on how the foundation covered her pale face and felt light. With our faces done, we left the house. We went to the library, the bank, and then onto the bus to the mall. We stopped at the DMV and got my photo taken and my new driver's license and headed to the mall. We were all hungry so we ate at the Friendly's next to the mall. I had a Bacon Cheeseburger with fries, Raven got the Heinz 57 burger with fries, and Lila ordered sliders with goldfishes. I have never seen her LOVE a kids menu in years the way she LOVED the Friendly's kids menu. And of course, we all had ice cream too. We stuffed ourselves and ate too much, but it was all really good! The thing I found the most incredible is the waitresses bused their own tables. Our waitress even crawled under the table and picked up what had fallen under and I saw the manager even cleaning tables and delivering food. In my opinion, that is what waitresses should do. My waitress earned her 20% this day.
After lunch we went back to the mall and really just wandered around. The girls tried to win a 3D DS from one of those grabber machines that just steal your money, I saw a Harley Davidson motorcycle shop inside the mall, and Lila retrieved a ball for some kids who dropped it on the lower level. We also stopped by Claire's were we saw the piercing station and a bear sitting in a chair. Lila asked if she would get to hold the bear if she got her ears pierced and I used the opportunity to push them a bit and got them their ears pierced. I got a good deal, I paid for the starter earrings and got a second pair, under $10, for free and 50% off anything else in the store. I found a couple of cute earrings, and Lila picked a set of 9 studs. Raven found a skull headband, and Lila some tights for school. The lady was super nice, even though she was really busy and alone in the store and kept bouncing between us and the other customers. She was a bit stressed that we wanted pierced ears when she kept getting a crowd of people but she was making the best of it and I tried to show her patience and understanding as she juggled everything. I know what its like to work retail, you can be slow all day and as soon a customer needs you, that is when the crowd comes. Anyone in retail can understand that.
Once we were done, I decided it was late enough in the day to start heading home. Waiting for the bus at the mall, Lila was super excited about her earrings and was being her normal self and I was being my normal self, "Stop Lila, get down Lila, leave that alone Lila, come back here Lila". Anyone who knows us gets what I mean. She is so ADHD she is like the energizer bunny all day. A lady at the bus stop made a comment that I chuckled about. Normally, in the past, I would have looked at her as if she offended me somehow by speaking to me, but not today. Today I was determined to make a new me. So I chuckled. She got on the same bus as me and ended up sitting two seat over in the last row against the back of the bus. She pulled out a book and started to read. The girls settled in and Lila got quiet, I don't know what made me do it but I turned to the lady and said to her "The good part about her being all bounce off the walls all day is that she passes out quickly when she lays down at night". The lady looked at me and started a long conversation that lasted the whole bus ride. In the midst of the conversation I mentioned I started Mary Kay and she said she thought she had recognized my bag. She asked me for a card, but I don't have any yet, so I gave her a Look Book and added my website and phone number on the back. I heard Arlene's (shes my best friend and Senior Consultant) "get her number!" So I grabbed my agenda and asked her to write down her number so I can call her in a few days to see if she saw anything she liked. I also told her after I get my inventory in a few days I am thinking of getting a party together next weekend to show some of it off. She seemed excited for that and liked the idea. I left the bus at the Transportation center to switch buses but not before telling her (just like you would old friends) I'll see ya later and call in a few days. She was a nice lady and I learned alot about her in those twenty minutes.
On the second bus, it was packed and I stood next to Lila who was sitting and Raven sat a few seats away. A few stops later a skinny, old Asian dude got on and asked a very large black man if he could sit in the empty window seat next to him. A few stops later, the Asian dude stood up and apparently stepped on the Large man's foot. The really large man lost his head, he started yelling and screaming, threatening the guy. The big dude, grabbed the skinny guy and spun him around. I wanted to stop him but with two girls on the bus and the area of town, the likelihood the big guy was packing some kind of weapon was very possible. Besides my kids, there was a baby behind Lila, and two small kids up in the front. I felt like a jerk for not stepping in. The big guy did let the skinny guy go but talked alot of crap for a few stops. One guy who was getting off had told the big guy the skinny guy didn't speak English and the big guy almost got off the bus and hurt that guy. The big guy made alot of threats but didn't get off. Lila was crying so hard because the big guy scared her bad. Our stop was close so we got off after a few more stops. Walking home from the bus stop a police man was parked in the parking lot and we stopped to tell him about the incident. I tried the Transportation center customer service but it was closed for the night. The police man asked a bunch of questions and I told him the bus number and route number and he said he would call in a report. One thing I have to say about Ridley police is, they don't mess around.
Lila was still shaken so I called Arlene, (I had the Mary Kay stuff to share anyways) and we told her about my day. She was very proud and excited for me that I got a number and told me that she would count that as a successful day and you know what, I agree. But I was not successful cause I got a number from a potential client who would make me money, and I was not successful because I pitched Mary Kay products, I feel successful because I did something that was so far outside of my comfort zone that no one who knows me would ever say I was capable of attempting let along doing. I was scared as hell, no one will ever understand how scared I was about what I was inviting. I was so scared that my first stop of the day was to the Rite Aid to fall off my cigarette wagon. I wanted to turn around and leave the bag so many times, but I wanted a change. So I pushed through all the fear, all the doubt, all the everything I was feeling. I went so contrary to everything I am and have been for thirty years and I did it. I talked to a stranger. The best part, I made a friend.
My children are getting older and they don't need me so much and I have been thinking about what I will have in this life once they are 'out of the nest' so to speak. I have a few close friends (really one or two) and a few more good friends, but nothing in my life is for me. Everything I have done since my Raven was born has been about her and then Lila when she came along. It is no secret among those I know that I utter failed with my first two children and that killed me so much I was determined to be the best mother I could when Raven came along. I made my whole life about her and making sure I did everything in my power to do what was right for my kids.
Raven is 16 this year and I find myself facing the fact that not only will she be going out on her own more but my Lila who is 9 is not someone I can smother the way Raven allowed me to. The more they grow, the less they will need me on a 24/7 basis and I am left wondering what I am making in my life for myself. What will I have when they are on their own?
I am not regretting, or sad about this growth in them but I am proud that I am raised two very independent and capable children who will not need to be sheltered, coddled, or supported when they are grown. And in furtherance of the objective not to grab my children when they wish to fly and pull them back for my own selfish, needy reasons, I have decided I need to make something for myself now.
I tried Mary Kay in the past and was not very successful, to be fair it is not only my failure but the failure of those that should have supported me as I tried to step out of my comfort zone. Just in the past six months I have had another huge betrayal by someone who is supposed to love me but instead of allowing this to make me more reclusive and standoffish, I am choosing to not let it stop me from reaching out and becoming someone new. I had another opportunity to get into Mary Kay and I decided to take it. I love the product, I love the message Mary Kay gives to women, I love the feeling of being empowered to change my life by myself.
I won't really do it ALL by myself but with an incredible team to support me as I go out into the world and use Mary Kay products to empower other women and to make a lot of friends.
So all that being said, I want to tell you about my first day going out into the world as a Mary Kay Beauty Consultant.
I knew I could not approach strangers yet and try pitching Mary Kay. Its really not how I'm built, so the HUGE bag I got with my starter kit has the Mary Kay logo on the outside. I decided to carry this bag with me on my Saturday errands and if someone approached me I would not shoot them down or avoid them, I would talk to them. It is a heavy bag, even when practically empty and I was sure my shoulder would be hurting when I got home, but I figured if even one person talked to me it would be worth it. I put a few things I might need if someone talked to me in the bag and left to go on my errands. I needed to go to the library to return a game, deposit my check at the bank, and take the bus to the mall to get my new Driver's License picture taken at the DMV. Really anyone who doesn't already know that the bag is a Mary Kay bag would have to read the logo to know and its tiny and only on one side but I still felt like I had a huge neon sign blinking and pointing at me all day.
My day started before I even left the house, I got Raven into the bathroom and we tried the Time Wise Miracle Set which starts with a cleanser, then a day solution with SPF, and a moisturizer. We both used it. I also tried out the Mineral foundation on her face. She loved it all, and was very impressed on how the foundation covered her pale face and felt light. With our faces done, we left the house. We went to the library, the bank, and then onto the bus to the mall. We stopped at the DMV and got my photo taken and my new driver's license and headed to the mall. We were all hungry so we ate at the Friendly's next to the mall. I had a Bacon Cheeseburger with fries, Raven got the Heinz 57 burger with fries, and Lila ordered sliders with goldfishes. I have never seen her LOVE a kids menu in years the way she LOVED the Friendly's kids menu. And of course, we all had ice cream too. We stuffed ourselves and ate too much, but it was all really good! The thing I found the most incredible is the waitresses bused their own tables. Our waitress even crawled under the table and picked up what had fallen under and I saw the manager even cleaning tables and delivering food. In my opinion, that is what waitresses should do. My waitress earned her 20% this day.
After lunch we went back to the mall and really just wandered around. The girls tried to win a 3D DS from one of those grabber machines that just steal your money, I saw a Harley Davidson motorcycle shop inside the mall, and Lila retrieved a ball for some kids who dropped it on the lower level. We also stopped by Claire's were we saw the piercing station and a bear sitting in a chair. Lila asked if she would get to hold the bear if she got her ears pierced and I used the opportunity to push them a bit and got them their ears pierced. I got a good deal, I paid for the starter earrings and got a second pair, under $10, for free and 50% off anything else in the store. I found a couple of cute earrings, and Lila picked a set of 9 studs. Raven found a skull headband, and Lila some tights for school. The lady was super nice, even though she was really busy and alone in the store and kept bouncing between us and the other customers. She was a bit stressed that we wanted pierced ears when she kept getting a crowd of people but she was making the best of it and I tried to show her patience and understanding as she juggled everything. I know what its like to work retail, you can be slow all day and as soon a customer needs you, that is when the crowd comes. Anyone in retail can understand that.
Once we were done, I decided it was late enough in the day to start heading home. Waiting for the bus at the mall, Lila was super excited about her earrings and was being her normal self and I was being my normal self, "Stop Lila, get down Lila, leave that alone Lila, come back here Lila". Anyone who knows us gets what I mean. She is so ADHD she is like the energizer bunny all day. A lady at the bus stop made a comment that I chuckled about. Normally, in the past, I would have looked at her as if she offended me somehow by speaking to me, but not today. Today I was determined to make a new me. So I chuckled. She got on the same bus as me and ended up sitting two seat over in the last row against the back of the bus. She pulled out a book and started to read. The girls settled in and Lila got quiet, I don't know what made me do it but I turned to the lady and said to her "The good part about her being all bounce off the walls all day is that she passes out quickly when she lays down at night". The lady looked at me and started a long conversation that lasted the whole bus ride. In the midst of the conversation I mentioned I started Mary Kay and she said she thought she had recognized my bag. She asked me for a card, but I don't have any yet, so I gave her a Look Book and added my website and phone number on the back. I heard Arlene's (shes my best friend and Senior Consultant) "get her number!" So I grabbed my agenda and asked her to write down her number so I can call her in a few days to see if she saw anything she liked. I also told her after I get my inventory in a few days I am thinking of getting a party together next weekend to show some of it off. She seemed excited for that and liked the idea. I left the bus at the Transportation center to switch buses but not before telling her (just like you would old friends) I'll see ya later and call in a few days. She was a nice lady and I learned alot about her in those twenty minutes.
On the second bus, it was packed and I stood next to Lila who was sitting and Raven sat a few seats away. A few stops later a skinny, old Asian dude got on and asked a very large black man if he could sit in the empty window seat next to him. A few stops later, the Asian dude stood up and apparently stepped on the Large man's foot. The really large man lost his head, he started yelling and screaming, threatening the guy. The big dude, grabbed the skinny guy and spun him around. I wanted to stop him but with two girls on the bus and the area of town, the likelihood the big guy was packing some kind of weapon was very possible. Besides my kids, there was a baby behind Lila, and two small kids up in the front. I felt like a jerk for not stepping in. The big guy did let the skinny guy go but talked alot of crap for a few stops. One guy who was getting off had told the big guy the skinny guy didn't speak English and the big guy almost got off the bus and hurt that guy. The big guy made alot of threats but didn't get off. Lila was crying so hard because the big guy scared her bad. Our stop was close so we got off after a few more stops. Walking home from the bus stop a police man was parked in the parking lot and we stopped to tell him about the incident. I tried the Transportation center customer service but it was closed for the night. The police man asked a bunch of questions and I told him the bus number and route number and he said he would call in a report. One thing I have to say about Ridley police is, they don't mess around.
Lila was still shaken so I called Arlene, (I had the Mary Kay stuff to share anyways) and we told her about my day. She was very proud and excited for me that I got a number and told me that she would count that as a successful day and you know what, I agree. But I was not successful cause I got a number from a potential client who would make me money, and I was not successful because I pitched Mary Kay products, I feel successful because I did something that was so far outside of my comfort zone that no one who knows me would ever say I was capable of attempting let along doing. I was scared as hell, no one will ever understand how scared I was about what I was inviting. I was so scared that my first stop of the day was to the Rite Aid to fall off my cigarette wagon. I wanted to turn around and leave the bag so many times, but I wanted a change. So I pushed through all the fear, all the doubt, all the everything I was feeling. I went so contrary to everything I am and have been for thirty years and I did it. I talked to a stranger. The best part, I made a friend.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Sesmark Rice Thins and Garden Veggie Cream Cheese
This past weekend, while at the laundry mat, I got hungry for a snack and the girls and I went over to the grocery store next to us and I saw these rice thins snack crackers for 50 cents a piece. There were 64 crackers in the package, 16 crackers per serving and 4 servings in package. They are gluten free, made of rice, and sesame flavored. I was extremely skeptical but since they were only 50 cents I decided to try them. If I didn't like them I wasn't out alot of money. I bought a small container of garden veggie cream cheese for a spread.
As you can see, one lane is gone. From the first bite I didn't know if I liked these things or not. They crunch like hard crackers, taste like sesame seeds with a hint of salt. Each bite I go back and forth between "I don't like this" to "These aren't that bad". Every time I think of eating more I tell myself they don't look good, and as I eat them I don't know how many more I can eat and when I put them down I think, "Those were pretty good!". I have never had an experience with food like this. Men, maybe, not food. LOL.
I will continue to eat them and they have been my mid morning snack all week. I am not sure if I will buy them again given the opportunity but I might.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Ipads for Ridley High School
Ive talked before about these stupid Ipads that Ridley School District is forcing on parents and students in order to make their lives "easier" in my post Ridley School District Ipads. I have said before that my 9 yr old who is in 4th grade is not permitted to have a District Ipad. I even wrote a letter to the school district and copied into another post called Letter to Ridley School District regarding Ipad.
If I had thought she was mature enough to use an ipad I would have bought her one at the beginning of 2013, but as I did not we bought her a Nabi which is a kid friendly ipad type tablet. Now that my 16 yr old has decided to leave behind the cyber school and attend regular high school, the subject of these ipads is being reevaluated in my home. My Lila is not too happy that I will allow her sister to have an ipad, but neither she nor I want her to take the ipad home. My Raven brought home a check list that she said I needed to sign in order for her to get the Ipad. I told her I'd sign it but I didn't do any of the checklist which included paying the fee and signing a "hold harmless paper". I told her anyone could come along and check those and I would be a liar, she took a photo of the paper signed by me without any check marks just in case and took the paper back. She has yet to be issued an Ipad so I am unsure how it will all unfold.
After seeing what most high schoolers do with their ipads, she isn't so sure they are good. Raven says every class at least half of them are on their ipads playing. In one class when asked to open their ipads, a student next to her opened hers and proceeded to play flappy bird instead of the assignment as the teacher was instructing. Raven witnesses students playing music, reading tumblr,, facebook, twitter, take and post selfies, and numerous other things. Students are not the only ones that noticed how bad of an idea these ipads are, several teachers have been heard saying these ipads are a very bad idea and the whole process creates more work for teacher (as if they dont already get underpaid and do work on their own time), more distractions in class, and less work actual being completed by children too immature to see the value of the device being intrusted to them.
It was learned through the grapevine that in order for a teacher who wants to create a curriculum on the ipads, they have to create one on their own time, send it to the district which approves it, then it is sent through two more approval processes before being handed back to the teacher to teach.
This weekend in the Metro Kids magazine I read this short article
This seems to me to be a way better solution than Ridley ordering thousands of ipads and the amount of money that the district must spend to replace or repair them. My hope for the summer is Ridley rethinks this decision and comes up with a solution before this costs homeowners more in tax money.
If I had thought she was mature enough to use an ipad I would have bought her one at the beginning of 2013, but as I did not we bought her a Nabi which is a kid friendly ipad type tablet. Now that my 16 yr old has decided to leave behind the cyber school and attend regular high school, the subject of these ipads is being reevaluated in my home. My Lila is not too happy that I will allow her sister to have an ipad, but neither she nor I want her to take the ipad home. My Raven brought home a check list that she said I needed to sign in order for her to get the Ipad. I told her I'd sign it but I didn't do any of the checklist which included paying the fee and signing a "hold harmless paper". I told her anyone could come along and check those and I would be a liar, she took a photo of the paper signed by me without any check marks just in case and took the paper back. She has yet to be issued an Ipad so I am unsure how it will all unfold.
After seeing what most high schoolers do with their ipads, she isn't so sure they are good. Raven says every class at least half of them are on their ipads playing. In one class when asked to open their ipads, a student next to her opened hers and proceeded to play flappy bird instead of the assignment as the teacher was instructing. Raven witnesses students playing music, reading tumblr,, facebook, twitter, take and post selfies, and numerous other things. Students are not the only ones that noticed how bad of an idea these ipads are, several teachers have been heard saying these ipads are a very bad idea and the whole process creates more work for teacher (as if they dont already get underpaid and do work on their own time), more distractions in class, and less work actual being completed by children too immature to see the value of the device being intrusted to them.
It was learned through the grapevine that in order for a teacher who wants to create a curriculum on the ipads, they have to create one on their own time, send it to the district which approves it, then it is sent through two more approval processes before being handed back to the teacher to teach.
This weekend in the Metro Kids magazine I read this short article
Most Plugged-In
Abington Senior High School, Abington
It’s not why Abington placed 45th on Money CNN’s list of 100 best places to live, but ASHS students are digging the thought of BYOT (Bring Your Own Technology), a pilot program that allows them to bring in their own smart phones, laptops or tablets for classroom use. Cost-cutting grants are in place to help kids who don’t have their own electronics.This seems to me to be a way better solution than Ridley ordering thousands of ipads and the amount of money that the district must spend to replace or repair them. My hope for the summer is Ridley rethinks this decision and comes up with a solution before this costs homeowners more in tax money.
Wendy's new Ciabatta Bacon Cheeseburger
Each weekend when my daughters and I head out for our weekend errands, we stop some place and eat lunch. This past weekend was Wendy's, and I decided to try their new Ciabatta Bacon Cheeseburger. It is advertized as a quarter-pound of hot 'n juicy beef topped with roasted, chopped
tomatoes, creamy, rosemary garlic aioli, fresh spring mix, natural
Asiago cheese and applewood-smoked bacon between a toasted Ciabatta bun.
I have to say I was very disappointed, the roasted, chopped tomatoes gave it a flavor cross between marinara and brushetta, I had only one leaf of spring mix, and the bacon might as well not have been on it as well as the rosemary garlic aioli since all I tasted was the tomatoes. The burger itself was good as well as the bun, and I would much rather have had a regular bacon cheeseburger on a ciabatta bun than this souped up version that fell way under its advertizements. .
It is also quite possible the fail was due to the location I had it at which was 310 MacDade Blvd in Folsom, PA. I will not be ordering this sandwich again.
Comment below and let me know if you have tried this burger and what your thoughts on it was. I am eager to hear.
I have to say I was very disappointed, the roasted, chopped tomatoes gave it a flavor cross between marinara and brushetta, I had only one leaf of spring mix, and the bacon might as well not have been on it as well as the rosemary garlic aioli since all I tasted was the tomatoes. The burger itself was good as well as the bun, and I would much rather have had a regular bacon cheeseburger on a ciabatta bun than this souped up version that fell way under its advertizements. .
It is also quite possible the fail was due to the location I had it at which was 310 MacDade Blvd in Folsom, PA. I will not be ordering this sandwich again.
Comment below and let me know if you have tried this burger and what your thoughts on it was. I am eager to hear.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
6 February 2014
So, I was looking over my youtube Channel and I decided to make an entry on my Most Lists. So, here we go!
My most watched videos:
1st place: Crazy Daughter got hands stuck with 193 views
This video was one where my Lila put her hands into her belt loops, she had two belt loops on each hand and then couldn't get them out. It was so funny I grabbed my camera and filmed her, unhooked her, and got a funny response after it was over.
2nd place: Biggest Brat Entry #1 with 39 views
My Lila is very ADHD, and her mood really only has two temperatures, very happy or very upset. I threatened her with filming her bad behavior and creating a website called "biggest brat .com" and uploading the videos to it so everyone can see how awful she behaves. I only got one video before she started behaving better and not throwing huge tantrums. It is this video which in reality is very mild considering.
3rd place: My Niece dancing to the Kazoo with 28 views
My niece Juju, was playing the kazoo and dancing so I brought out my camera and just filmed her. She is a big ham so she just kept on. This video is a bit loud since I had quite a few girls over all playing while I was filming and its almost easier, (and funnier) to watch the video without the sound.
Videos Most percentage watched to the end:
1st place: Store Shenanigans with 96%
Lila climbed under the cart at the grocery store and Raven filmed her as we shopped.
2nd place; Lila Whining with 89%
This video is Lila after I freed her hands from her belt loops.
3rd place: Crazy Daughter got hands stuck with 81%
Videos that earned the most money, (none of which is alot)
1st place tie: Me, Uncensored and Little sister lends a hand with $.06
Me, Uncensored was a video that started out being an introduction to me but I ended up spilling my guts on how I feel about the legal theft of one of my daughters by my own father.
Little sister lends a hand is Raven, Lila, Juju, and Haylee. Juju was in a wagon and Haylee and Raven were trying to push her up a hill and were being unsuccessful until Lila (who was only four at the time) grabbed the handle and pulled her up.
2nd place Crazy Daughter got hands stuck with $.05
3rd place: Raven and Lila Jingle Bell Rock with $.03
Raven and Lila sang Jingle Bell Rock. Lila was about 2, and Raven was around 8.
I don't have enough shares, likes, comments, or dislikes to make a list of the top three. I created my youtube channel October 25th 2006, I have 26 videos uploaded with a lifetime total views of 480. This channel is not educational, or anything else specifically. It is just my life as I live it. Ive been considering an introduction video again if I can not get offtrack like the last time. I upload what I want to share, feel free to share, comment, like or even dislike. The more you do the more my channel makes and the more independent my family will become. My goals are to get off foodstamps and state assistance. I want to be able to afford health care, buy a home, afford a car that isn't over 10 yrs old, and take vacations when I want to. When my girls need clothes, shoes, food, or special gifts I would like to say yes, instead of wait until I can afford it. "Maybe with my tax return."
You can help by hitting the donate button at the top right, or share my videos, read my posts, share my posts. Thanks for reading and watching.
My most watched videos:
1st place: Crazy Daughter got hands stuck with 193 views
This video was one where my Lila put her hands into her belt loops, she had two belt loops on each hand and then couldn't get them out. It was so funny I grabbed my camera and filmed her, unhooked her, and got a funny response after it was over.
2nd place: Biggest Brat Entry #1 with 39 views
My Lila is very ADHD, and her mood really only has two temperatures, very happy or very upset. I threatened her with filming her bad behavior and creating a website called "biggest brat .com" and uploading the videos to it so everyone can see how awful she behaves. I only got one video before she started behaving better and not throwing huge tantrums. It is this video which in reality is very mild considering.
3rd place: My Niece dancing to the Kazoo with 28 views
My niece Juju, was playing the kazoo and dancing so I brought out my camera and just filmed her. She is a big ham so she just kept on. This video is a bit loud since I had quite a few girls over all playing while I was filming and its almost easier, (and funnier) to watch the video without the sound.
Videos Most percentage watched to the end:
1st place: Store Shenanigans with 96%
Lila climbed under the cart at the grocery store and Raven filmed her as we shopped.
2nd place; Lila Whining with 89%
This video is Lila after I freed her hands from her belt loops.
3rd place: Crazy Daughter got hands stuck with 81%
Videos that earned the most money, (none of which is alot)
1st place tie: Me, Uncensored and Little sister lends a hand with $.06
Me, Uncensored was a video that started out being an introduction to me but I ended up spilling my guts on how I feel about the legal theft of one of my daughters by my own father.
Little sister lends a hand is Raven, Lila, Juju, and Haylee. Juju was in a wagon and Haylee and Raven were trying to push her up a hill and were being unsuccessful until Lila (who was only four at the time) grabbed the handle and pulled her up.
2nd place Crazy Daughter got hands stuck with $.05
3rd place: Raven and Lila Jingle Bell Rock with $.03
Raven and Lila sang Jingle Bell Rock. Lila was about 2, and Raven was around 8.
I don't have enough shares, likes, comments, or dislikes to make a list of the top three. I created my youtube channel October 25th 2006, I have 26 videos uploaded with a lifetime total views of 480. This channel is not educational, or anything else specifically. It is just my life as I live it. Ive been considering an introduction video again if I can not get offtrack like the last time. I upload what I want to share, feel free to share, comment, like or even dislike. The more you do the more my channel makes and the more independent my family will become. My goals are to get off foodstamps and state assistance. I want to be able to afford health care, buy a home, afford a car that isn't over 10 yrs old, and take vacations when I want to. When my girls need clothes, shoes, food, or special gifts I would like to say yes, instead of wait until I can afford it. "Maybe with my tax return."
You can help by hitting the donate button at the top right, or share my videos, read my posts, share my posts. Thanks for reading and watching.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
30 January 2014
Today is Raven's second day at the High School, she put the cyber school behind her. They were very nice and helpful but she feels the need for people and friends. I understand how she feels. It is hard to go through life with all that happens to us with little or no friends to support us. Human contact is so needful, so powerful. Without those hugs, sympathetic touches, loving caresses, we go insane. I totally understand her need for those things. She gets them from me and from her sister but it isn't the same as a friend. She did well her first day and walked from school to my work. It was super cold out today and she walked to school. She texted saying she got there ok. I'm already feeling the separation. I know she needs her own life but its hard to let her do it. She has been such a big and intrical part of my life its hard to let her move on. I have Lila but its not the same, Raven has truly seen me at my worst. Lila has never.
Anyways, enough of that. I sold two items on ebay, waiting payment for a third but it looks like I might not get it. Maybe after winning the bid they didn't like the shipping cost but fuck them. what am I supposed to do, eat the shipping cost?? Yeah right. I started my cinnamon/ honey water to lose weight again. We shall see if it works. I have a new tracking method for my income for the new year. I have eight ptc sites I click on, two selling sites (only one has anything on it), two adsense spots, and my book sales. You'd think Im rolling in it, but its not making alot right now. I have a full time job and another direct sales I will be starting before end of February. It sounds like a full plate but I still find alot of time that I just sit around looking for something to do. My click sites only take an hour, my two adsense sites pretty much run themselves unless Im uploading or writing, my book sales just sits there cause I don't advertise, I haven't started my direct sales, and my two selling sites just sit there unless Im adding new product. So its really not alot of work each day. I find alot of time where Im bored stiff. Not much going on around here other than that. I did upload another class to my school blog and deleted all the ptc sites I don't use anymore off my marketing blog. If you wanna check those out its in the side bar.
Oh, and Raven and I are collaborating on a charity we are going to create. I'll tell you more when I got it up. Its a great idea and will help turn something bad into something good. Oh, and the man who hurt Raven has taken a plea. 4-11 yrs and 5 on probation. He wont be sentenced until end of April. But at least Raven won't have to testify. Saturday I will be able to file my taxes and hopefully only a few weeks for my taxes. Im sick of walking in the cold and pulling carts through the snow for groceries and laundry. It will be nice to have a vehicle. Im getting a truck. There is a nice truck on autotrader at a dealership about 40 miles from me for a good price and already has a topper which I will need in the long run. With any luck it will still be available in a few weeks when I actually get my taxes back or a better choice will be available. I don't have to rush so I can be picky. I like it when I can be picky cause it doesn't happen alot. I usually buy stuff from need so I get whats available instead of looking around and buying something I want. Well, Im getting off for now, as always dont forget to donate by using the donate button on the top right. It goes to buying a home for my family for the first time and starting our charity. .
Anyways, enough of that. I sold two items on ebay, waiting payment for a third but it looks like I might not get it. Maybe after winning the bid they didn't like the shipping cost but fuck them. what am I supposed to do, eat the shipping cost?? Yeah right. I started my cinnamon/ honey water to lose weight again. We shall see if it works. I have a new tracking method for my income for the new year. I have eight ptc sites I click on, two selling sites (only one has anything on it), two adsense spots, and my book sales. You'd think Im rolling in it, but its not making alot right now. I have a full time job and another direct sales I will be starting before end of February. It sounds like a full plate but I still find alot of time that I just sit around looking for something to do. My click sites only take an hour, my two adsense sites pretty much run themselves unless Im uploading or writing, my book sales just sits there cause I don't advertise, I haven't started my direct sales, and my two selling sites just sit there unless Im adding new product. So its really not alot of work each day. I find alot of time where Im bored stiff. Not much going on around here other than that. I did upload another class to my school blog and deleted all the ptc sites I don't use anymore off my marketing blog. If you wanna check those out its in the side bar.
Oh, and Raven and I are collaborating on a charity we are going to create. I'll tell you more when I got it up. Its a great idea and will help turn something bad into something good. Oh, and the man who hurt Raven has taken a plea. 4-11 yrs and 5 on probation. He wont be sentenced until end of April. But at least Raven won't have to testify. Saturday I will be able to file my taxes and hopefully only a few weeks for my taxes. Im sick of walking in the cold and pulling carts through the snow for groceries and laundry. It will be nice to have a vehicle. Im getting a truck. There is a nice truck on autotrader at a dealership about 40 miles from me for a good price and already has a topper which I will need in the long run. With any luck it will still be available in a few weeks when I actually get my taxes back or a better choice will be available. I don't have to rush so I can be picky. I like it when I can be picky cause it doesn't happen alot. I usually buy stuff from need so I get whats available instead of looking around and buying something I want. Well, Im getting off for now, as always dont forget to donate by using the donate button on the top right. It goes to buying a home for my family for the first time and starting our charity. .
Thursday, January 16, 2014
16 January 2014
It has been a long time since I wrote anything, and that is true for my personal stories also. I haven't wrote a word in four months. Tragedy struck me on September 20th, 2013. My family was ripped apart. I have talked to almost noone since then. I found out someone was hurting my teenage daughter in that way only women can be hurt, and it was someone I trusted and have trusted for ten years. Everyone talks about the abused and help them through it. I don't minimize what my daughter went through but noone ever talks about what the family of the abused goes through. As the mother of an abused daughter, my heart is ripped. Ripped because I failed to protect my daughter from predators. I failed to see what was happening to her. When she told me what had been happening to her I went into shock. I couldn't even tell the police where I lived or why I was in their precinct. Those first few days, my daughter was doing better than I. One of my long trusted friends flew up to be with us for the weekend and her help was invaluable. I can't even image being in that apartment those first few days by myself. I wasn't ready for her to leave but I had to let her go. It is hard to not talk and to talk about it, at the same time. Half the time I feel like I am walking around someone else's life and the other half I feel fine. Emotions have settled a bit but not fully. My daughter is feeling worse than she did the first few days. She isn't sleeping in her room, she wont even go in there unless she has no choice. I have avoided writing about it on my blog, for several reasons. But that has caused writers block. Since I can't get out what I want to say, I can't say anything. Anyone who actually knows me, please don't ask me about what happened, or who it was, or even wonder. Just know we are hurting so much, and so much more than it looks. The only important thing now is how we feel today, not what was done to us yesterday. The person who did it is in jail and can't hurt anyone else, he didn't hurt anyone else. Just us. He changed us, all of us. I will never trust another person, I will never allow anyone new into my life. The ones already in my life I will always have a small voice in the back of my head saying "they could do it too". It took me years to silence that voice when my father betrayed me. Now its back and I doubt I will be able to make it go away. Whenever you look at me all you see is my mask. The mask I now show everyone because I will never trust again. I have no more room in my heart for wounds or scars. I have no more room in my chest for my heart to grow. If you see me I will smile and say 'HI". I will not give you any indication that I am wounded beyond repair. If I seem a bit strange, or different, now you know why. I do not want to discuss it, I do not want your sympathy. I do not need your help. This is not something anyone can help us with. Each of us will have to work through the pain and betrayal ourselves the best way we can. The only way anyone can help is just be normal. To allow us to wear our masks, let us protect our hearts in the only way we know how until we feel strong enough to face it again. After ten years of one way we all need to learn another way. We have to make a new normal and it isn't easy. We have big bumps and skids. Meltdowns and breakdowns. Periods of low and high. This blog is where I get out what I feel without feeling like I am gonna have a bunch of comments from those I know. Most who read this blog I do not know personally and I kinda like it that way. Its almost anonymous in a way. There is a freedom in unleashing on a stranger. They have no preconceived judgements on how you are expected to handle a given situation. Or what you should allow them to do for you. Sometimes telling friends or family is a burden. I am really lucky to have a few friends that I can say anything to. They have been with me through a bunch of shit and I am sure they will be there through a bunch more. I am glad I have them even if they are 1200 miles away. Maybe after I write this I can start writing on my book again. It is suffering by me being absent for 4 months. I feel like an empty shell. I feel dead inside. Like I am only going through the motions. But I have been here before. I know what is happening this time. Part of me has been locked away because Im not ready to deal with it. This kind of betrayal is severe and deep. Especially since I already have a gaping wound from what my father did. I started smoking again and im not sure I can stop. I can't sleep and feel tired at the same time, im hungry and don't wanna eat. I wanna go out and stay home at the same time. My thoughts, feelings, and desires are all jumbled. I don't have any priorities straight, I'm doing anything that occurs to me to do at any given moment. I can't think out what I should do next and easily get confused when I have to concentrate on more than one thing at a time. I'm not sure how long this will last, the last time took years but I was also being hurt over and over for years. At least this time all the hurt was in one day, one moment. And how do I help my daughter move on, how can I help her be normal, develop normal relationships. She has never experienced a normal relationship with a boy. I'm afraid in this case, her first boyfriend will have a bunch on his hands to fix. I hope he is patient and understanding, like most teenage boys are not. The wrong boyfriend will mess her up more. She is strong but I would rather her strength not be tested. She doesn't need my life. Ive spent too much time writing and need to get off here. I will be back, and as always hit the donate button to help me buy a home for me and my girls. Thanks.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)