1 March 2014

This day was filled with every emotion in the book.  As some of you know already I started my own Mary Kay business.  I received my starter kit on February 28th, 2014.  This is the year of change.  I am actually super excited about stepping out of myself and becoming someone new.  For thirty years I have been standoffish, reserved, quiet, and reclusive.  I have felt abandoned, alone, hurt, and betrayed by so many that claimed, and were supposed, to love me it was hard to be any other way than rude, bitchy, and generally mean to anyone who tried speaking to me.

My children are getting older and they don't need me so much and I have been thinking about what I will have in this life once they are 'out of the nest' so to speak.  I have a few close friends (really one or two) and a few more good friends, but nothing in my life is for me.  Everything I have done since my Raven was born has been about her and then Lila when she came along.  It is no secret among those I know that I utter failed with my first two children and that killed me so much I was determined to be the best mother I could when Raven came along.  I made my whole life about her and making sure I did everything in my power to do what was right for my kids.

Raven is 16 this year and I find myself facing the fact that not only will she be going out on her own more but my Lila who is 9 is not someone I can smother the way Raven allowed me to.  The more they grow, the less they will need me on a 24/7 basis and I am left wondering what I am making in my life for myself.  What will I have when they are on their own?

I am not regretting, or sad about this growth in them but I am proud that I am raised two very independent and capable children who will not need to be sheltered, coddled, or supported when they are grown.  And in furtherance of the objective not to grab my children when they wish to fly and pull them back for my own selfish, needy reasons, I have decided I need to make something for myself now.

I tried Mary Kay in the past and was not very successful, to be fair it is not only my failure but the failure of those that should have supported me as I tried to step out of my comfort zone.  Just in the past six months I have had another huge betrayal by someone who is supposed to love me but instead of allowing this to make me more reclusive and standoffish, I am choosing to not let it stop me from reaching out and becoming someone new.  I had another opportunity to get into Mary Kay and I decided to take it.  I love the product, I love the message Mary Kay gives to women, I love the feeling of being empowered to change my life by myself.

I won't really do it ALL by myself but with an incredible team to support me as I go out into the world and use Mary Kay products to empower other women and to make a lot of friends.

So all that being said, I want to tell you about my first day going out into the world as a Mary Kay Beauty Consultant.

I knew I could not approach strangers yet and try pitching Mary Kay.  Its really not how I'm built, so the HUGE bag I got with my starter kit has the Mary Kay logo on the outside.  I decided to carry this bag with me on my Saturday errands and if someone approached me I would not shoot them down or avoid them, I would talk to them.  It is a heavy bag, even when practically empty and I was sure my shoulder would be hurting when I got home, but I figured if even one person talked to me it would be worth it.  I put a few things I might need if someone talked to me in the bag and left to go on my errands.  I needed to go to the library to return a game, deposit my check at the bank, and take the bus to the mall to get my new Driver's License picture taken at the DMV.  Really anyone who doesn't already know that the bag is a Mary Kay bag would have to read the logo to know and its tiny and only on one side but I still felt like I had a huge neon sign blinking and pointing at me all day.

My day started before I even left the house, I got Raven into the bathroom and we tried the Time Wise Miracle Set which starts with a cleanser, then a day solution with SPF, and a moisturizer.  We both used it.  I also tried out the Mineral foundation on her face.  She loved it all, and was very impressed on how the foundation covered her pale face and felt light.  With our faces done, we left the house.  We went to the library, the bank, and then onto the bus to the mall.  We stopped at the DMV and got my photo taken and my new driver's license and headed to the mall.  We were all hungry so we ate at the Friendly's next to the mall.  I had a Bacon Cheeseburger with fries, Raven got the Heinz 57 burger with fries, and Lila ordered sliders with goldfishes.  I have never seen her LOVE a kids menu in years the way she LOVED the Friendly's kids menu. And of course, we all had ice cream too.  We stuffed ourselves and ate too much, but it was all really good!  The thing I found the most incredible is the waitresses bused their own tables.  Our waitress even crawled under the table and picked up what had fallen under and I saw the manager even cleaning tables and delivering food.  In my opinion, that is what waitresses should do.  My waitress earned her 20% this day.

After lunch we went back to the mall and really just wandered around.  The girls tried to win a 3D DS from one of those grabber machines that just steal your money, I saw a Harley Davidson motorcycle shop inside the mall, and Lila retrieved a ball for some kids who dropped it on the lower level.  We also stopped by Claire's were we saw the piercing station and a bear sitting in a chair.  Lila asked if she would get to hold the bear if she got her ears pierced and I used the opportunity to push them a bit and got them their ears pierced.  I got a good deal, I paid for the starter earrings and got a second pair, under $10, for free and 50% off anything else in the store.  I found a couple of cute earrings, and Lila picked a set of 9 studs.  Raven found a skull headband, and Lila some tights for school.  The lady was super nice, even though she was really busy and alone in the store and kept bouncing between us and the other customers.  She was a bit stressed that we wanted pierced ears when she kept getting a crowd of people but she was making the best of it and I tried to show her patience and understanding as she juggled everything.  I know what its like to work retail, you can be slow all day and as soon a customer needs you, that is when the crowd comes.  Anyone in retail can understand that.

Once we were done, I decided it was late enough in the day to start heading home.  Waiting for the bus at the mall, Lila was super excited about her earrings and was being her normal self and I was being my normal self, "Stop Lila, get down Lila, leave that alone Lila, come back here Lila".  Anyone who knows us gets what I mean.  She is so ADHD she is like the energizer bunny all day.  A lady at the bus stop made a comment that I chuckled about.  Normally, in the past, I would have looked at her as if she offended me somehow by speaking to me, but not today.  Today I was determined to make a new me.  So I chuckled.  She got on the same bus as me and ended up sitting two seat over in the last row against the back of the bus. She pulled out a book and started to read.  The girls settled in and Lila got quiet, I don't know what made me do it but I turned to the lady and said to her "The good part about her being all bounce off the walls all day is that she passes out quickly when she lays down at night".  The lady looked at me and started a long conversation that lasted the whole bus ride.  In the midst of the conversation I mentioned I started Mary Kay and she said she thought she had recognized my bag.  She asked me for a card, but I don't have any yet, so I gave her a Look Book and added my website and phone number on the back.  I heard Arlene's (shes my best friend and Senior Consultant) "get her number!"  So I grabbed my agenda and asked her to write down her number so I can call her in a few days to see if she saw anything she liked.  I also told her after I get my inventory in a few days I am thinking of getting a party together next weekend to show some of it off.  She seemed excited for that and liked the idea.  I left the bus at the Transportation center to switch buses but not before telling her (just like you would old friends) I'll see ya later and call in a few days.  She was a nice lady and I learned alot about her in those twenty minutes.

On the second bus, it was packed and I stood next to Lila who was sitting and Raven sat a few seats away.  A few stops later a skinny, old Asian dude got on and asked a very large black man if he could sit in the empty window seat next to him.  A few stops later, the Asian dude stood up and apparently stepped on the Large man's foot. The really large man lost his head, he started yelling and screaming, threatening the guy.  The big dude, grabbed the skinny guy and spun him around.  I wanted to stop him but with two girls on the bus and the area of town, the likelihood the big guy was packing some kind of weapon was very possible.  Besides my kids, there was a baby behind Lila, and two small kids up in the front.  I felt like a jerk for not stepping in.  The big guy did let the skinny guy go but talked alot of crap for a few stops.  One guy who was getting off had told the big guy the skinny guy didn't speak English and the big guy almost got off the bus and hurt that guy.  The big guy made alot of threats but didn't get off.  Lila was crying so hard because the big guy scared her bad.  Our stop was close so we got off after a few more stops.  Walking home from the bus stop a police man was parked in the parking lot and we stopped to tell him about the incident.  I tried the Transportation center customer service but it was closed for the night.  The police man asked a bunch of questions and I told him the bus number and route number and he said he would call in a report.  One thing I have to say about Ridley police is, they don't mess around.

Lila was still shaken so I called Arlene, (I had the Mary Kay stuff to share anyways) and we told her about my day.  She was very proud and excited for me that I got a number and told me that she would count that as a successful day and you know what, I agree.  But I was not successful cause I got a number from a potential client who would make me money, and I was not successful because I pitched Mary Kay products, I feel successful because I did something that was so far outside of my comfort zone that no one who knows me would ever say I was capable of attempting let along doing.  I was scared as hell, no one will ever understand how scared I was about what I was inviting.  I was so scared that my first stop of the day was to the Rite Aid to fall off my cigarette wagon.  I wanted to turn around and leave the bag so many times, but I wanted a change.  So I pushed through all the fear, all the doubt, all the everything I was feeling.  I went so contrary to everything I am and have been for thirty years and I did it.  I talked to a stranger.  The best part, I made a friend.

Sesmark Rice Thins and Garden Veggie Cream Cheese

This past weekend, while at the laundry mat, I got hungry for a snack and the girls and I went over to the grocery store next to us and I saw these rice thins snack crackers for 50 cents a piece.  There were 64 crackers in the package, 16 crackers per serving and 4 servings in package.  They are gluten free, made of rice, and sesame flavored.  I was extremely skeptical but since they were only 50 cents I decided to try them.  If I didn't like them I wasn't out alot of money.  I bought a small container of garden veggie cream cheese for a spread.  

 

As you can see, one lane is gone.  From the first bite I didn't know if I liked these things or not.  They crunch like hard crackers, taste like sesame seeds with a hint of salt.  Each bite I go back and forth between "I don't like this" to "These aren't that bad".  Every time I think of eating more I tell myself they don't look good, and as I eat them I don't know how many more I can eat and when I put them down I think, "Those were pretty good!".  I have never had an experience with food like this.  Men, maybe, not food.  LOL.

I will continue to eat them and they have been my mid morning snack all week.  I am not sure if I will buy them again given the opportunity but I might.

Ipads for Ridley High School

Ive talked before about these stupid Ipads that Ridley School District is forcing on parents and students in order to make their lives "easier" in my post Ridley School District Ipads.  I have said before that my 9 yr old who is in 4th grade is not permitted to have a District Ipad. I even wrote a letter to the school district and copied into another post called Letter to Ridley School District regarding Ipad.
 If I had thought she was mature enough to use an ipad I would have bought her one at the beginning of 2013, but as I did not we bought her a Nabi which is a kid friendly ipad type tablet.  Now that my 16 yr old has decided to leave behind the cyber school and attend regular high school, the subject of these ipads is being reevaluated in my home.  My Lila is not too happy that I will allow her sister to have an ipad, but neither she nor I want her to take the ipad home.  My Raven brought home a check list that she said I needed to sign in order for her to get the Ipad.  I told her I'd sign it but I didn't do any of the checklist which included paying the fee and signing a "hold harmless paper". I told her anyone could come along and check those and I would be a liar, she took a photo of the paper signed by me without any check marks just in case and took the paper back.  She has yet to be issued an Ipad so I am unsure how it will all unfold. 
After seeing what most high schoolers do with their ipads, she isn't so sure they are good.  Raven says every class at least half of them are on their ipads playing.  In one class when asked to open their ipads, a student next to her opened hers and proceeded to play flappy bird instead of the assignment as the teacher was instructing.  Raven witnesses students playing music, reading tumblr,, facebook, twitter, take and post selfies, and numerous other things.  Students are not the only ones that noticed how bad of an idea these ipads are, several teachers have been heard saying these ipads are a very bad idea and the whole process creates more work for teacher (as if they dont already get underpaid and do work on their own time), more distractions in class, and less work actual being completed by children too immature to see the value of the device being intrusted to them.
It was learned through the grapevine that in order for a teacher who wants to create a curriculum on the ipads, they have to create one on their own time, send it to the district which approves it, then it is sent through two more approval processes before being handed back to the teacher to teach. 

This weekend in the Metro Kids magazine I read this short article

Most Plugged-In

Abington Senior High School, Abington

It’s not why Abington placed 45th on Money CNN’s list of 100 best places to live, but ASHS students are digging the thought of BYOT (Bring Your Own Technology), a pilot program that allows them to bring in their own smart phones, laptops or tablets for classroom use. Cost-cutting grants are in place to help kids who don’t have their own electronics.

This seems to me to be a way better solution than Ridley ordering thousands of ipads and the amount of money that the district must spend to replace or repair them.  My hope for the summer is Ridley rethinks this decision and comes up with a solution before this costs homeowners more in tax money.

Wendy's new Ciabatta Bacon Cheeseburger

Each weekend when my daughters and I head out for our weekend errands, we stop some place and eat lunch.  This past weekend was Wendy's, and I decided to try their new Ciabatta Bacon Cheeseburger.  It is advertized as a quarter-pound of hot 'n juicy beef topped with roasted, chopped tomatoes, creamy, rosemary garlic aioli, fresh spring mix, natural Asiago cheese and applewood-smoked bacon between a toasted Ciabatta bun.
I have to say I was very disappointed, the roasted, chopped tomatoes gave it a flavor cross between marinara and brushetta, I had only one leaf of spring mix, and the bacon might as well not have been on it as well as the rosemary garlic aioli since all I tasted was the tomatoes.  The burger itself was good as well as the bun, and I would much rather have had a regular bacon cheeseburger on a ciabatta bun than this souped up version that fell way under its advertizements.  . 
It is also quite possible the fail was due to the location I had it at which was 310 MacDade Blvd in Folsom, PA. I will not be ordering this sandwich again.

Comment below and let me know if you have tried this burger and what your thoughts on it was.  I am eager to hear. 

6 February 2014

So, I was looking over my youtube Channel and I decided to make an entry on my Most Lists.  So, here we go!

My most watched videos:

1st place: Crazy Daughter got hands stuck with 193 views
        
         This video was one where my Lila put her hands into her belt loops, she had two belt loops on each hand and then couldn't get them out.  It was so funny I grabbed my camera and filmed her, unhooked her, and got a funny response after it was over. 

2nd place: Biggest Brat Entry #1 with 39 views

         My Lila is very ADHD, and her mood really only has two temperatures, very happy or very upset. I threatened her with filming her bad behavior and creating a website called "biggest brat .com" and uploading the videos to it so everyone can see how awful she behaves.  I only got one video before she started behaving better and not throwing huge tantrums.  It is this video which in reality is very mild considering. 

3rd place: My Niece dancing to the Kazoo with 28 views

        My niece Juju, was playing the kazoo and dancing so I brought out my camera and just filmed her.  She is a big ham so she just kept on.  This video is a bit loud since I had quite a few girls over all playing while I was filming and its almost easier, (and funnier) to watch the video without the sound. 

Videos Most percentage watched to the end:

1st place: Store Shenanigans with 96%

      Lila climbed under the cart at the grocery store and Raven filmed her as we shopped.

2nd place; Lila Whining with 89%

      This video is Lila after I freed her hands from her belt loops.

3rd place: Crazy Daughter got hands stuck with 81%

Videos that earned the most money, (none of which is alot)

1st place tie: Me, Uncensored and Little sister lends a hand with $.06

     Me, Uncensored was a video that started out being an introduction to me but I ended up spilling my guts on how I feel about the legal theft of one of my daughters by my own father.

     Little sister lends a hand is Raven, Lila, Juju, and Haylee.  Juju was in a wagon and Haylee and Raven were trying to push her up a hill and were being unsuccessful until Lila (who was only four at the time) grabbed the handle and pulled her up.

2nd place Crazy Daughter got hands stuck with $.05


3rd place: Raven and Lila Jingle Bell Rock with $.03

      Raven and Lila sang Jingle Bell Rock.  Lila was about 2, and Raven was around 8.

I don't have enough shares, likes, comments, or dislikes to make a list of the top three.  I created my youtube channel October 25th 2006, I have 26 videos uploaded with a lifetime total views of 480.  This channel is not educational, or anything else specifically. It is just my life as I live it.  Ive been considering an introduction video again if I can not get offtrack like the last time.  I upload what I want to share, feel free to share, comment, like or even dislike.  The more you do the more my channel makes and the more independent my family will become.  My goals are to get off foodstamps and state assistance.  I want to be able to afford health care, buy a home, afford a car that isn't over 10 yrs old, and take vacations when I want to.  When my girls need clothes, shoes, food, or special gifts I would like to say yes, instead of wait until I can afford it. "Maybe with my tax return." 
    You can help by hitting the donate button at the top right, or share my videos, read my posts, share my posts.  Thanks for reading and watching.

30 January 2014

Today is Raven's second day at the High School, she put the cyber school behind her.  They were very nice and helpful but she feels the need for people and friends.  I understand how she feels.  It is hard to go through life with all that happens to us with little or no friends to support us.  Human contact is so needful, so powerful.  Without those hugs, sympathetic touches, loving caresses, we go insane.  I totally understand her need for those things.  She gets them from me and from her sister but it isn't the same as a friend.  She did well her first day and walked from school to my work.  It was super cold out today and she walked to school.  She texted saying she got there ok.  I'm already feeling the separation.  I know she needs her own life but its hard to let her do it.  She has been such a big and intrical part of my life its hard to let her move on. I have Lila but its not the same, Raven has truly seen me at my worst.  Lila has never. 
Anyways, enough of that.  I sold two items on ebay, waiting payment for a third but it looks like I might not get it.  Maybe after winning the bid they didn't like the shipping cost but fuck them.  what am I supposed to do, eat the shipping cost??  Yeah right.  I started my cinnamon/ honey water to lose weight again.  We shall see if it works.  I have a new tracking method for my income for the new year.  I have eight ptc sites I click on, two selling sites (only one has anything on it), two adsense spots, and my book sales.  You'd think Im rolling in it, but its not making alot right now.  I have a full time job and another direct sales I will be starting before end of February.  It sounds like a full plate but I still find alot of time that I just sit around looking for something to do. My click sites only take an hour, my two adsense sites pretty much run themselves unless Im uploading or writing, my book sales just sits there cause I don't advertise, I haven't started my direct sales, and my two selling sites just sit there unless Im adding new product.  So its really not alot of work each day.  I find alot of time where Im bored stiff.  Not much going on around here other than that.  I did upload another class to my school blog and deleted all the ptc sites I don't use anymore off my marketing blog.  If you wanna check those out its in the side bar. 
Oh, and Raven and I are collaborating on a charity we are going to create.  I'll tell you more when I got it up.  Its a great idea and will help turn something bad into something good.  Oh, and the man who hurt Raven has taken a plea.  4-11 yrs and 5 on probation.  He wont be sentenced until end of April.  But at least Raven won't have to testify.  Saturday I will be able to file my taxes and hopefully only a few weeks for my taxes.  Im sick of walking in the cold and pulling carts through the snow for groceries and laundry.  It will be nice to have a vehicle.  Im getting a truck.  There is a nice truck on autotrader at a dealership about 40 miles from me for a good price and already  has a topper which I will need in the long run.  With any luck it will still be available in a few weeks when I actually get my taxes back or a better choice will be available.  I don't have to rush so I can be picky.  I like it when I can be picky cause it doesn't happen alot.  I usually buy stuff from need so I get whats available instead of looking around and buying something I want.  Well, Im getting off for now, as always dont forget to donate by using the donate button on the top right.  It goes to buying a home for my family for the first time and starting our charity.  .

16 January 2014

It has been a long time since I wrote anything, and that is true for my personal stories also.  I haven't wrote a word in four months. Tragedy struck me on September 20th, 2013.  My family was ripped apart.  I have talked to almost noone since then.  I found out someone was hurting my teenage daughter in that way only women can be hurt, and it was someone I trusted and have trusted for ten years.  Everyone talks about the abused and help them through it.  I don't minimize what my daughter went through but noone ever talks about what the family of the abused goes through.  As the mother of an abused daughter, my heart is ripped.  Ripped because I failed to protect my daughter from predators.  I failed to see what was happening to her.  When she told me what had been happening to her I went into shock.  I couldn't even tell the police where I lived or why I was in their precinct.  Those first few days, my daughter was doing better than I.  One of my long trusted friends flew up to be with us for the weekend and her help was invaluable.  I can't even image being in that apartment those first few days by myself.  I wasn't ready for her to leave but I had to let her go.  It is hard to not talk and to talk about it, at the same time.  Half the time I feel like I am walking around someone else's life and the other half I feel fine.  Emotions have settled a bit but not fully.  My daughter is feeling worse than she did the first few days.  She isn't sleeping in her room, she wont even go in there unless she has no choice.   I have avoided writing about it on my blog, for several reasons. But that has caused writers block.  Since I can't get out what I want to say, I can't say anything.  Anyone who actually knows me, please don't ask me about what happened, or who it was, or even wonder.  Just know we are hurting so much, and so much more than it looks.  The only important thing now is how we feel today, not what was done to us yesterday.  The person who did it is in jail and can't hurt anyone else, he didn't hurt anyone else.  Just us.  He changed us, all of us.  I will never trust another person, I will never allow anyone new into my life.  The ones already in my life I will always have a small voice in the back of my head saying "they could do it too".  It took me years to silence that voice when my father betrayed me.  Now its back and I doubt I will be able to make it go away.  Whenever you look at me all you see is my mask.  The mask I now show everyone because I will never trust again.  I have no more room in my heart for wounds or scars.  I have no more room in my chest for my heart to grow.  If you see me I will smile and say 'HI".  I will not give you any indication that I am wounded beyond repair.  If I seem a bit strange, or different, now you know why.  I do not want to discuss it, I do not want your sympathy.  I do not need your help.  This is not something anyone can help us with.  Each of us will have to work through the pain and betrayal ourselves the best way we can.  The only way anyone can help is just be normal.  To allow us to wear our masks, let us protect our hearts in the only way we know how until we feel strong enough to face it again.  After ten years of one way we all need to learn another way.  We have to make a new normal and it isn't easy.  We have big bumps and skids.  Meltdowns and breakdowns.  Periods of low and high. This blog is where I get out what I feel without feeling like I am gonna have a bunch of comments from those I know.  Most who read this blog I do not know personally and I kinda like it that way.  Its almost anonymous in a way.  There is a freedom in unleashing on a stranger.  They have no preconceived judgements on how you are expected to handle a given situation. Or what you should allow them to do for you.  Sometimes telling friends or family is a burden.  I am really lucky to have a few friends that I can say anything to.  They have been with me through a bunch of shit and I am sure they will be there through a bunch more.  I am glad I have them even if they are 1200 miles away.  Maybe after I write this I can start writing on my book again.  It is suffering by me being absent for 4 months.  I feel like an empty shell.  I feel dead inside.  Like I am only going through the motions.  But I have been here before.  I know what is happening this time.  Part of me has been locked away because Im not ready to deal with it.  This kind of betrayal is severe and deep.  Especially since I already have a gaping wound from what my father did.  I started smoking again  and im not sure I can stop.  I can't sleep and feel tired at the same time, im hungry and don't wanna eat.  I wanna go out and stay home at the same time.  My thoughts, feelings, and desires are all jumbled.  I don't have any priorities straight, I'm doing anything that occurs to me to do at any given moment.  I can't think out what I should do next and easily get confused when I have to concentrate on more than one thing at a time.  I'm not sure how long this will last, the last time took years but I was also being hurt over and over for years.  At least this time all the hurt was in one day, one moment.  And how do I help my daughter move on, how can I help her be normal, develop normal relationships.  She has never experienced a normal relationship with a boy.  I'm afraid in this case, her first boyfriend will have a bunch on his hands to fix.  I hope he is patient and understanding, like most teenage boys are not.  The wrong boyfriend will mess her up more.  She is strong but I would rather her strength not be tested.  She doesn't need my life.  Ive spent too much time writing and need to get off here.  I will be back, and as always hit the donate button to help me buy a home for me and my girls.  Thanks.