16 January 2014

It has been a long time since I wrote anything, and that is true for my personal stories also.  I haven't wrote a word in four months. Tragedy struck me on September 20th, 2013.  My family was ripped apart.  I have talked to almost noone since then.  I found out someone was hurting my teenage daughter in that way only women can be hurt, and it was someone I trusted and have trusted for ten years.  Everyone talks about the abused and help them through it.  I don't minimize what my daughter went through but noone ever talks about what the family of the abused goes through.  As the mother of an abused daughter, my heart is ripped.  Ripped because I failed to protect my daughter from predators.  I failed to see what was happening to her.  When she told me what had been happening to her I went into shock.  I couldn't even tell the police where I lived or why I was in their precinct.  Those first few days, my daughter was doing better than I.  One of my long trusted friends flew up to be with us for the weekend and her help was invaluable.  I can't even image being in that apartment those first few days by myself.  I wasn't ready for her to leave but I had to let her go.  It is hard to not talk and to talk about it, at the same time.  Half the time I feel like I am walking around someone else's life and the other half I feel fine.  Emotions have settled a bit but not fully.  My daughter is feeling worse than she did the first few days.  She isn't sleeping in her room, she wont even go in there unless she has no choice.   I have avoided writing about it on my blog, for several reasons. But that has caused writers block.  Since I can't get out what I want to say, I can't say anything.  Anyone who actually knows me, please don't ask me about what happened, or who it was, or even wonder.  Just know we are hurting so much, and so much more than it looks.  The only important thing now is how we feel today, not what was done to us yesterday.  The person who did it is in jail and can't hurt anyone else, he didn't hurt anyone else.  Just us.  He changed us, all of us.  I will never trust another person, I will never allow anyone new into my life.  The ones already in my life I will always have a small voice in the back of my head saying "they could do it too".  It took me years to silence that voice when my father betrayed me.  Now its back and I doubt I will be able to make it go away.  Whenever you look at me all you see is my mask.  The mask I now show everyone because I will never trust again.  I have no more room in my heart for wounds or scars.  I have no more room in my chest for my heart to grow.  If you see me I will smile and say 'HI".  I will not give you any indication that I am wounded beyond repair.  If I seem a bit strange, or different, now you know why.  I do not want to discuss it, I do not want your sympathy.  I do not need your help.  This is not something anyone can help us with.  Each of us will have to work through the pain and betrayal ourselves the best way we can.  The only way anyone can help is just be normal.  To allow us to wear our masks, let us protect our hearts in the only way we know how until we feel strong enough to face it again.  After ten years of one way we all need to learn another way.  We have to make a new normal and it isn't easy.  We have big bumps and skids.  Meltdowns and breakdowns.  Periods of low and high. This blog is where I get out what I feel without feeling like I am gonna have a bunch of comments from those I know.  Most who read this blog I do not know personally and I kinda like it that way.  Its almost anonymous in a way.  There is a freedom in unleashing on a stranger.  They have no preconceived judgements on how you are expected to handle a given situation. Or what you should allow them to do for you.  Sometimes telling friends or family is a burden.  I am really lucky to have a few friends that I can say anything to.  They have been with me through a bunch of shit and I am sure they will be there through a bunch more.  I am glad I have them even if they are 1200 miles away.  Maybe after I write this I can start writing on my book again.  It is suffering by me being absent for 4 months.  I feel like an empty shell.  I feel dead inside.  Like I am only going through the motions.  But I have been here before.  I know what is happening this time.  Part of me has been locked away because Im not ready to deal with it.  This kind of betrayal is severe and deep.  Especially since I already have a gaping wound from what my father did.  I started smoking again  and im not sure I can stop.  I can't sleep and feel tired at the same time, im hungry and don't wanna eat.  I wanna go out and stay home at the same time.  My thoughts, feelings, and desires are all jumbled.  I don't have any priorities straight, I'm doing anything that occurs to me to do at any given moment.  I can't think out what I should do next and easily get confused when I have to concentrate on more than one thing at a time.  I'm not sure how long this will last, the last time took years but I was also being hurt over and over for years.  At least this time all the hurt was in one day, one moment.  And how do I help my daughter move on, how can I help her be normal, develop normal relationships.  She has never experienced a normal relationship with a boy.  I'm afraid in this case, her first boyfriend will have a bunch on his hands to fix.  I hope he is patient and understanding, like most teenage boys are not.  The wrong boyfriend will mess her up more.  She is strong but I would rather her strength not be tested.  She doesn't need my life.  Ive spent too much time writing and need to get off here.  I will be back, and as always hit the donate button to help me buy a home for me and my girls.  Thanks.