Saturday, April 16, 2022

Pro-Life versus Pro-Choice

 Let me start by telling you I am wholeheartedly pro-choice.  


Pro-choice does not mean anti-life.  Pro-choicers are not apathetic to the value of life.  In fact, in my opinion, I think pro-choicers are more sympathetic to the value of a human life than Pro-Lifers.  


First let’s talk about Pro-Lifers.  Against abortion?  Or are you really PRO LIFE, meaning against all manner of the taking of a life.  Are you against the death penalty?  Are you vegan or vegetarian?  If you didn’t answer yes to all those, you are not Pro-Life, you are Anti-Abortion.  


Ok, so you just decided you were Anti-Abortion.  Who do you think get abortions?  Do you imagine the corporate woman who slipped with the birth control or maybe landed in the 1% of people that whatever contraception that was used, failed.  Then decided that children were not what they wanted so they arbitrarily decided without thought to kill the baby?  Or do you see some ambivelant woman having frequent sex with multiple partners and just deciding that they don’t want kids after the test is positive?  

Let me tell you who gets abortions, rape victims, teenagers who are too afraid to tell their parents, junkies who know they are not suited for parenthood, woman with multiple health issues that threaten their life or the risk the liveable health of the child.  


Now let me tell you about Pro-Choicers.  Pro choice is about being against any law taking away basic human rights and quality of life.  


I once heard an analogy.  


There are thousands, maybe millions, of people on transplant lists.  People who are waiting for someone to be generous enough with their own bodies to match with them so they can live a long and healthy life.  When a person is found, the person who matches can still say NO.  Noone, not the law, not a judge, not a doctor, can force that person to give up a piece of their body against their will.  


Anti abortion laws will do just that.  They will force someone to risk their health, their life for another.  No law should force that.  No law forces you to throw your body in front of a criminal to save another.  No law forces you to give up a piece of yourself to save another.  No law should force a woman to carry a baby.  


Did we forget?  At no other time in the natural life of a human does a person come closer to dying than when a woman gives birth.  Anti abortion laws will force someone to risk their life for another.  


This is not about babies that deserve to live.  If you really cared about the babies, are you on adoption lists?  Do you care for one of those babies or does your care end at birth?  That baby’s life doesnt.  


What if your choice to force that woman to carry and deliver, delivers a sick baby. 

What if your choice to force that woman to carry and deliver, dies doing so.  

What if your choice to force that woman to carry and deliver, causes that teenager to get a back street abortion that ends her life, or maybe just prevents her from ever getting pregnant again. 

What if your choice to force that woman to carry and deliver, causes that new mom to kill herself from the stress of it.  

What if your choice to force that woman to carry and deliver, causes that rape victim to abuse their child because every time she looks at them she remembers her rape and hates her child for it.


Will you sleep well at night knowing that your choice was moral?


While we are on the subject of moral, is it moralistic to decide what’s best for another?

Can you be so arrogant as to say you know better what is best for another soul, especially someone you do not know.  

You haven't walked their shoes, you don’t know what they are thinking, the options they have considered, the situation they’re in.  How can you know, how can you be so sure as to decide all abortion is immoral.  


I would never choose abortion for myself, let’s get that straight.  But I will never make a woman who has made that choice for herself, feel like I look down on them for it.  Because I know I don’t know.  


I know I can only control myself, I have no right to tell anyone else what they can and can not do with their bodies, or their life.  


Only my own.  


Let’s go conspiracy now.  Do you think that taking away human rights will stop at abortion laws?  No, the taking away of rights starts small.  Baby steps, no pun intended, to see how fast mutiny occurs.  We already have many of our rights diminished for what is called ‘the greater good’.  


The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one. Right?


Wrong.  Our world doesn’t need MORE restrictions.  It needs less.  Restrictions lead to oppression, oppression leads to rage, rage leads to war, war is death.  


Maybe with less we kill each other more, but human existence continues.   


Laws for the greater good will kill the human race.  Never forget, we are parasites on the face of Earth.  We destroy to build, and we do not fix what we destroy because the greater good needs us to destroy to build.  


Maybe it’s time you look past this human life of yours as the sum of the universe.  Look at what kind of world you are leaving behind you in your wake.  Look what you are doing to your own soul in the process and what that might mean for you in the after place, whatever that is for you.  


Human’s need to control will kill this world.  


We are watching it happen and doing nothing, some of us are even participating.  Participating to make their human life more luxuriant.  More decadent.  What’s the point to it, not like you can take any of it with you to the after place.  


Humans need to worry less what their neighbors are doing to their souls and pay more attention to the stains they are creating on their own souls.  


Note to self, don’t go religious.  Breathe!  


Ok, this ends here.  I’ve said my peace on abortion, take from it what you will.  


For those that are thinking of commenting…..  


I am opinionated, highly intelligent, and do not view the world in any way that is popular.  I see what most don’t.  I think in different ways.  Unpopular ways.  Ways that by arguing with me, will only make you hate me more, or if you have the intelligence to see what I can, you will side with me.  

People hate when I burst their bubbles so if you don’t want to risk me popping your bubble just move on.  But if you want to be enlightened, maybe learn a new point of view,  I’m here.  


And I’m listening…..


Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Prologue to Tearing the Fabric


In our beginning God created the world. He created the birds in the sky, the fish in the water, and the mammals on the land. God then found he still had love to spare and created man, and God cared for man in his garden paradise like pets in his 'yard'. He gave them food, water, and love, and they thrived in his care.  That is until one displeased him and he cast them out to fend for themselves.  But that is not this story.  
In this story Eve never bit an apple nor did man learn the secrets that God didn't want man to know in his infancy. In fact, in this story, he didn't even really 'create' this world. Only did he 'create' in the sense that he helped shape it into what we know and see now as our world.
See, God was created so far back in antiquity that the word 'made' no longer had any meaning for him. He once had known the love of a maker and once had known the nurturing light of what we call 'family'. But that memory had been lost to him in the distance of time. How he escaped the sucking darkness that swallowed his world was so buried in his memories that he no longer even wondered. The destruction of all he knew left a hole in his soul that as he wandered he had forgotten he was even searching. He gave up even the hope of finding something to fill it so long ago that he began just floated along in the universe, looking, watching, and waiting without even realizing what he was out there doing.
God floated along for eons, or moments depending on how you view time, until he found a bright star that seemed to attract him, like a magnetic pull, and he saw a lovely young planet struggling to survive on her own in her little galaxy. God had watched planets in his trek across the universe. Watched them struggle, some survived, some did not. None did he see with light like that which shone from this small young planet. It was like destiny called to him from this planet so he paused in his travel.  Paused to watch, how long he watched was not clear as time is relevant and for him it meant nothing.
In time God decided to join with the world spirit and guided her through creation of creatures which would help her thrive. Together they moved particles, caused some to join to create new, more complex particles. Eventually together these complex particles joined to create living creatures.  Some of these creatures flew, some swam, and some that walked. Some of these living beings, God and Earth found good and their majick came to these creatures in the form or luck or fate, but really it was just a sign of God's or Earth's pleasure. It helped them thrive and as the creatures upon the Earth thrived, so did the mother. Some creatures could not adapt to the changes in the world as Mother Earth grew and eventually died out.
After a time, one creature seemed to thrive differently than the rest. They grew smarter, learned how to shape and use tools to improve their living conditions. God loved these creatures the most and shown his love (luck) on them. Earth was more wary of these creatures God called, Man. She was afraid of what their intelligence would become. But her being a young planet, and having less majick than God, his will overruled. But she continued to watch them as they grew upon her face and fed them from her body. God might shelter them but she fed them. As she watched she saw some of these man creatures show respect for the Earth, as they would a mother. She saw this as good and granted them her luck and they thrived better than others.
As man grew, and his people grew, God fell in love with a mortal woman, a woman who seemed to encompass all God hoped man would eventually became. She was one of Earth Mother's favorites, one Earth had seeded and taught. This woman lived alone and revered nature. She learned many secrets from the Mother and eventually became something like what we would know as a witch.
When she reached her 200th birthday God decided to visit her. He came to her in the guise of a stranger lost in the wood. She welcomed him for she had been alone for many years. She also recognized him as something akin to herself and wanted to know him better. She shared many things with him and at her 300th birthday he told her all he was and asked her to share eternity with him. She accepted him, already guessing much of what he said. God taught Elli his secrets so she may be like a God also and together they watched over his people, taught them what they needed to know at the proper time, and had many children who they taught to be God-like.  Nyet, Goddess of the Night; Dayal, God of the Day; Feywin, Goddess of Spirit; Oshear, God of Water; Wicha, Goddess of Majick; Belain, God of War and Fire; Aerius, God of the Air; Woldar, God of Beasts; Lyrae, Goddess of Love; Bearius, God of (burdens); Methumial, God of Metal; Florette, Goddess of Nature; and Phiobe, Goddess of Beauty. The World knew many generations of peace and harmony under their watch.
Eventually, Phiobe, who walked among men more frequently than the others, met a man she came to love. He happened upon her one day while she was sitting riverside singing softly to the sprites of the water. He fell instantly in love with her; he courted her as if she was a mortal maiden. As time went by their love grew and her love for him forged bonds of majick she had not known of. By the time God and Elli learned of their love it was too late to change. Elli told her daughter she must choose. For he was not like those her sisters and brothers had chosen, Phiobe's lover had no majickal blood. So he could not learn to use majick to prolonging life and health. Will she watch her mortal lover grow old and die or will she leave him, which seems like the kinder to do. Phiobe could not put aside her inherent nature but she couldn't leave her lover either. They decided to live together as long as his life would last and when he was reborn she would seek him out and live again as lovers. This seemed to them, at the time, a doable option. They lived out his life in her mother’s old cottage, happy and fulfilled.
Phiobe didn't understand the heart wrenching pain of watching her lover die until his final days were upon him. She lay next to him on their bed, her as beautiful as the first day they met and him a withered, sick, old man. She held him as he fell gently to sleep never to awaken. How long she laid there is uncertain. Her majick was enough to preserve him in small ways but without majick himself there were limits.
Elli eventually came to comfort her and together they set the funeral pyre. Elli implored Phiobe to remember this pain and not to seek him out again when his soul was reborn.  Phiobe's brother Belain tried to comfort his sister because his love for her was larger than most. But his soul was tainted by jealousy and anger. Phiobe could feel his malice even if she didn't understand it or its reason. None of the family knew about Belain's unnatural lust for his sister. He hid it well, and over the course of Phiobe's lover’s absence, Belain learned to use the jealousy and anger to feed and sustain him just as they had learned to transmute love, happiness, and joy. He also learned to feed off others jealousy and anger to fuel himself, he learned out to cultivate the jealousy and anger in Man for him to feed from.  He felt more powerful when he did and believed himself to be the most powerful of all his brothers and sisters.
Many solar revolutions came and went while Phiobe searched. Many moons waxed and waned. Then she felt it, nearing the 600th moon, approximately 46 solar revolutions after her lovers death, she felt his presence in the World. She allowed herself to be pulled along, to follow the scent of his aura, to be guided by the bond that was unwittingly forged. At last she found him, he was just a babe, a babe his mother’s arms but she knew it was him. His parents named him Andras. Long did she ponder what to do, how and when to approach him. One night while he was five, he became lost in the wood. He was supposed to be gathering wood for the fire and took a wrong turn. She was there and guided him back. As she held his hand leading him home she knew, this boy had some majick. She could see in his eyes that he had felt the bond as well. One day, not long after, while Andras was playing in the fields, a three-year old Phiobe met and played with him. She stayed in a house on the edge of the field that had been empty, and when Phiobe needed parents to make an appearance, two of her siblings appeared at the door.
Phiobe and Andras spent the next ten solar revolutions playing together everyday; swimming, hiking, running. They built forts and trenches. He taught her how to harvest crops, and she taught him to use majick. The happy days didn't seem like they could get any better. Phiobe was never any happier than the day he kissed her for the first time. Lying by the river, in swimming things, soaking the sun, Andras grabbed her hand. She turned her face to his and smiled. He reached for her face with his other hand and kissed her so softly on the lips. He held the kiss for several moments, he pulled away, put his forehead to hers and said those three words she hadn't heard in over a half century, "I love you, Phiobe".
But someone started to notice Phiobe's absence from the "dinner table". Belain grew more anxious at Phiobe's continued absence. He knew she was looking for her lover but she always returned every few solstices. She hadn't been "home" in over ten solar revs. One day he went out to look for her, and when he found her with Andras, he nearly exploded the whole village with his rage. He could not believe she was successful and that he really did return. Belain went to the other end of the wood next to her village and started exploding trees, the Mother took notice and scolded him, but not with words. She lifted the ground under his feet and he rolled down the newly formed hill into the ocean which smacked him in the face with its waves until he was thoroughly chastised and apologized. After that he controlled his ire and plotted how to derail this coupling. As he nursed his anger Phiobe and Andras lived their life, grew, and eventually married.
One day Phiobe implored her mother, how could she live a true life with her beloved Andras? Elli took pity on her lovestruck daughter and told her she could decide to not use energy to prolong her life, she could also use Andras' majick to create life inside her body. It was majick learned from the Mother. Phiobe took her mother's advice and the Mother's lessons and became with child. She ceased transmuting energy to prolong her life and health and as their son grew, they grew old. When Belain learned of Phiobe's decision and saw the truth of her choices in her graying hair and the eyes of her nearly grown son, he could no longer stand idle. He put thoughts of lust in a stranger who came into town as a traveler. Even though Phiobe aged she was still beautiful, and this stranger made his lust known to her. Phiobe laughed off the advances; she was still naïve about the evil qualities that could be found in Man.  But her son was angered.  He had been born to this world, with a mortal father, and knew the fallibility of Man.  Phiobe's son sought to chastise the stranger and did battle on him one night at the inn.
By the time Andras got to the inn both men were heavily injured. Belain used the fight to his advantage; he put thoughts of anger towards Andras and the son for blocking his path to Phiobe, and to Phiobe herself for spurning his advances. One night, after a few nights of recovery, the stranger crept up to Phiobe and Andras' home; he snuck inside during the night and planned to beat them both with a large tree branch he found in the yard. This stranger struck Andras first, he never woke. Phiobe awoke to the sound and only had time to scream once before she was struck. The son, hearing his mother scream, awoke and ran into the room.  Seeing the stranger standing over his parents with the branch, he attacked the stranger. During the fight, the fire that was lit inside the bedroom of the house escaped the pit and caught the wooden structure ablaze.  The fire caught the stranger as he grappled with the son and as he struggled to put himself out the son ran to save his parents. He pulled his mother to safety through the bedroom window and went to reenter for his father.  But before he could reenter through the window, Belain, who watched the encounter from the edge of the wood, encouraged the fire to flare up and engulf the home. The son was thrown to the ground next to his mother; he crawled to her and cradled her as the house burned. Many people came out and tried to fight the fire but all they could do was keep it from spreading. They listened to the sounds of the stranger as he burned inside the house, as the son held his dying mother in his arms. As Phiobe looked her son in the eyes, she had a vision of his future. She saw him find love, grow old, and have many children. She saw a long healthy bloodline that she could use to reincarnate and live out many lives with her beloved. She stroked her sons face, with tears in his eyes he told her he loved her. She told her son she loved him too and died.
God and Elli grieved with Phiobe's son and charged man with the counting of the solar revolutions as years, starting with this as year one to keep time so that man might be reminded of the beauty that once graced the world of man, until the day that Phiobe rejoins her family as a Goddess once again. 


Thursday, September 10, 2015

Fast Food Drive Thru 101

My number one job as a fast food drive thru order taker/cashier is to get each customer from the moment they roll over the pressure plate at the order menu to the time they drive off the pressure plate at the 2nd window in under 120 seconds.  That is two minutes to take your order, take your money, make your food, and deliver it with all your extras.  The bosses who sit in their clean, organized offices that have never stepped foot inside the fast food restaurants they manage long distance do not care if you asked for a water cup, or extra whatever at the pick up window and it took a few extra seconds to do that.  They don't care that noone was behind you so you unpacked your bag to open that cheeseburger you ordered and ran up my times.  They only care that I got you out in under 120 seconds happy, or not.  So here is a few tips when coming into my drive thru (any anyone elses) that will help me keep my job and get you what you want in an orderly fashion.

  • Don't take two minutes to figure out what you want, (you already blew my time for that day part) come inside instead.
  • Ask for ketcup, water, extra whatever, at the order screen so we can have it in your bag ready to go.
  • Don't come through with 4 separately paid orders, (come inside).
  • Don't come through ordering $40 worth of food, (come inside). 
  • Late night after dining room closes, don't order 10 of the same thing, (call ahead, yes you can do that) we just don't keep that much product ready to go.  
A few other tips on drive thru etiquette.

  • Don't drive up screaming "hello".  You ran over the pressure plate, I hear you fine.  I am supposed to answer you in under 3 seconds.  If you wait longer than 3 seconds its because something is wrong inside, or with my headset.  Most likely my manager on shift is also wearing a headset and can hear you, me, and any issues that might be going on inside.  If I take too long he/she will answer instead.  Your "hello" the moment you drive up is unnecessary and irritating. 
  • No employee, no matter how mad you make them, will never fuck up, or spit in your food on purpose.  Our job means more to us than getting back at you.  Since we are all on camera, spitting in your food or screwing something up, really isn't an option.
  • Be nice to your drive thru cashier, he/she is a real person and has probably been standing on their feet for hours, alternating between hot and cold, running like a mad person, and most often is doing multiple things at the same time.  Not to mention many fast food employees make so little money they come in even if they don't want to, are in pain, tired, or have personal issues at home.  
  • Please know how you want your burgers when you order them.  Chances are the sandwich maker is listening to you and already making your food the moment you say "cheeseburger" so if you go back and say, "no onions" or worse "no mayo", they have to remake what they already made possibly making the whole process take longer.  
  • Please ask for extra condiments or water cups AT THE SPEAKER!  Very important, this allows us time to get it in your bag instead of asking at the window and running up my drive thru times (remember those big wigs looking at only my numbers?)
I hope this helps you the next time you roll through my drive thru (or someone else's).  

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Why I hate wearing dresses

What is it about dresses that makes everyone think "pretty"??  Why do so many groups think women have to wear a dress to be pretty, professional, approachable, successful, etc??  Even other women think that wearing a dress gives you a 'leg up' in business.
This is a classic example of 'perpetrating your own stereotype".  Women telling women that wearing a dress makes 'anything' better.  I have even been told to try it out.  Wear a dress and see if you don't get more customers than when you wear anything else.  So not only do women tell other women if they want to get ahead, "wear a dress" but also women look at other women and judge them based on whether they wear a dress versus any other professional attire.
No woman looks "prettier", more "professional", or better in any way in a dress versus any other professional suit.  A nice dress pants suit can make a woman look pretty, professional, or any other adjective you want to attach to that.
I have thought about this for a while and I can only come up with one word, one adjective that applies to a woman in a dress that may not apply to a woman in a pants suit.

That word

Delicate

A woman in a dress is viewed by other women and men as sweeter, more delicate, more approachable, friendlier, even sexy, but guess what people.  Not prettier, or more beautiful.  A woman in a pants suit can look just as beautiful, just as sexy even, as a woman in a dress.  The worst part is that other women think the same fucking thing!  By wearing a dress in order to appear this way to others is demeaning and brings us backwards.  It tells others that "yes we know you judge me by my clothes so here I am wearing this to appear the way I want to be judged".

A woman who wears a dress because they like it, or it is more comfortable to them has my respect.  But we have to stop thinking a dress gives women an advantage over any other nice outfit.  I taught my girls from young, in order to be pretty all you need is to be clean and healthy.  Your clothes don't make you pretty, your hair styled doesn't make you pretty, makeup on your face does not make you pretty.

Women have been striving for decades to be seen as equals to men in business and other things.  How can we be judged as equals if we do that by wearing a dress??

Once upon a time, everyone wore a 'dress'.  They were called kilts or togas.  Romans wore them, Spartans wore them, Greeks wore them, Vikings wore them, Native Americans wore them.  Some of our greatest historical male warriors wore an outfit that these days would be called a dress, or skirt.  My belief is horses is when men started wearing leg coverings.  Riding horses made men more practical in what they wear.  Not wanting their junk rubbing bare over a horses saddle or back.  Women rode side saddle,  Women never needed to change their clothing.  And of course, women all throughout history believed the same thing as many women today.  A dress can give you an advantage in a man's world.

This is where I call bullshit!

Even women are surprised when a woman in the movies wearing a dress starts kicking ass.

Because a dress and tough do not go hand in hand.  Why not??

Because not enough women say

"I refuse to wear anything for the purpose of creating the judgement I desire in others".

Step up people.  Show the world that wearing a dress is what you want and not what they want.


Sunday, April 26, 2015

Pedestrians

I wanna talk for a minute about pedestrians.  I am the first to say that when I am driving, pedestrians can be a pain.  They cross in front of you at the wrong moment, many don't obey proper pedestrian procedures or laws, and they can act as if they always have the right of way and cars need to stop for them no matter what.
But as a pedestrian, drivers can be equally, if not more severely, obstinate.  Even when a pedestrian follows every right of way and crossing laws, drivers are still pissy and impatient when a pedestrian gets in the way.  Drivers will honk, speed, cut off, and drive dangerously when they find a pedestrian in the way. There is one corner that while crossing the street, following the right of way (walking when I see the walk man, and staying inside the crosswalk) I have almost been hit multiple times.
At corners are not the only time drivers are rude and drive dangerously.  Many times I have witnesses reckless and dangerous driving inside my housing complex.  While I understand that the speed limit is technically 25 miles an hour, that doesn't mean you HAVE to drive 25, nor speed up to 30 or 35 to pass a slow moving driver on a neighborhood street.  People need to pay attention to the conditions of the neighborhood and drive accordingly, even if the law is more lenient.  Such as street corners, especially during hours when children are in the street.  We all know that children follow rules very infrequently and only when they think they will get caught breaking them.  Many times I have witnessed drivers going too fast around the corner where my house sits.  Driving so fast that they cross to the oncoming side just to cut the corner as fast as they can go.  What they don't realize is not only is my daughter out there, many times on her bike riding around, but also many other smaller children on their bikes.
Also, my complex has a back entrance to an elementary school in it.  Too many times cars drive too fast that is safe down that street and across the crosswalk for the school at a time of day when children will probably be crossing.  They take a dangerous chance of a child running out in front of them, and even at 25 miles an hour, a car can still kill a child.  Too many times I am sitting in my car on the side of the road waiting for my baby girl to get out of school and a car drives down the road so fast that my truck sways from side to side.  My truck is pretty big, it is a 91 Dodge Ram D150.  And to move my truck, you HAVE to be going faster than 25.


Drivers need to pay attention and use some common sense.

  1. When turning right, pause and watch for walkers crossing the road before turning.
  2. When leaving or entering entrance or exits, watch for pedestrians and DO NOT block the crosswalk.  (it is against the law)
  3. When driving through a neighborhood, drive slow and watch for children.  
  4. Go slower and watch harder at those times that children will be going to or leaving school.
Trust me, you do not want to live the rest of your life knowing you injured or killed a child because you broke an easy law to follow.  If you were any kind of decent person, even if you were in the letter of the law and killed a child you would still live with a heavy weight for the rest of your life.  Injuring anyone by an accident is not something you want to live with, whether child or adult.  

Sunday, October 5, 2014

5 October 2014

I am noticing it has been quite a while since I wrote a new blog entry.  ALOT has happened, in fact the word "alot" is kinda small compared with the changes I have experienced in the past six months.  We are now living back in Orlando, I moved in with my sister and her family. We left pennsylvania July 4th.  The drive was hell, it took two days as I could not drive straight thru.  My truck made it and I have been using it since I got here.
Nothing went the way it was supposed to.  I made plans to start Mary Kay with one of my friends.  The first Monday I was here I had the whole day planned out.  I was gonna get all nice and go over to her house, she was gonna walk me through using text to get some facial parties.  After we were gonna go out and try to find a dress I didn't look totally fat in and I could stand since I really don't like dresses.  Let me pause....
I do like dresses, but I hate when someone tells me if I wear a dress I look more professional and other women would more likely buy from me if I was wearing a dress.  Really??  Are women just as stereotypical about what women wear as everyone else??  We get pissed at men for objectifying women cause of what we wear and here is someone telling me that my clients/customers/whatever will judge me because of what I wear??  Nice.
Anyways, after shopping I was gonna go to my first Mary Kay meeting at the shop.  I was supposed to have an awesome day with one of my best friends.  It didn't turn out that way at all.
It started as planned, I did get dressed nice and go over to her house but she was so tired it took hours to get the texting done.  I had to prompt her with every little thing.  Then after a bit, she laid out on the couch and started falling asleep.  Here I am expecting we would go out and look for a dress, I needed her to help me pick one that looked nice since all I would see if a fat person trying to look nice.  I got so upset, I just left to do it myself.  I couldn't really get mad at her cause I know what kind of hard time she has been going through the last few months. So I just swallowed my anger and left.  I told her I would come back when it was time to go to the meeting.  She didn't have alot of gas and I still had plenty.  She said that we had to leave her house no later than 6:30pm.  I went out and did find a few dresses I could stand.  At home when I was getting ready, I realized, I didn't have any underwear.  Yes I know, but I am always wearing jeans, and the last two times I tried buying underwear, I first bought some too big, then too small so I just gave up.  I texted my friend at 6pm saying I had a problem that might prevent me from going since they want you in a dress.  She didn't get back to me, and after about 15 mins I asked if I could just wear pants.  I got no answer and 6:25 I texted saying I was just gonna wear pants and I would be right there.  I still got no answer.  I arrived at her home at 6:34, 4 mintues past what I was supposed to be.  You would assume that if I was late, the person I was picking up would be pacing and irritated watching for when I arrived.  When I got there another friend of ours, a guy friend, his bike was there.  This guy I was currently mad at for slowly freezing me out of his life ever since this girl friend I am currently talking about became single.  I am used to coming in second place whenever a guy meets her but I thought this guy had enough balls to tell me he wasn't interested in me like that anymore.  Anyways, when I saw his bike, and the fact that she hadn't been answering me AND she had been very tired and depressed earlier that day. I thought she may have been sleeping or having sex, and neither was I gonna walk in on.  So I called, and texted, and waited.  Waited several mintues, then decided to leave.
Well within a min or two of pulling away she calls me back yelling at me that I left and now she is gonna look like an ass for breaking a promise to her director about our attendance.  She didn't wanna hear anything I had to say and I couldn't tell her why I was mad at our guy friend cause I still hadn't confronted him yet.  I ended up buying a 12 pack of bud and sitting in my truck drinking until my sister got home.
So yeah, my plans started going wrong right away.  My Mary Kay friend spent alot of time with this guy that prevented me from spending any time with her.  I never knew when he was there or not and I did NOT want to see him with her in the same room.  I had already watched it once, both ways, and I couldn't do it again.  We did try to get together for an event, but that went bad too.  This time she would pick me up, I got up early, dressed early, and was waiting for her an hour before her event started.  Long about the time the event was supposed to start, I fell asleep waiting for her and never heard my phone since I was in my room and it was in the living room.  My daughter didn't come get me when it rang either.  She finally called me an hour after the event should have started.  I woke up when my sister came into the room after getting off work and I checked my phone.  I texted my friend and she said "I tried calling but figured you just bailed again"  really??  I bailed??  I didn't fucking "bail" either time.  But of course, she wont see it that way cause its me that is the loser.  I am the fucking loser that can never do anything right.  She sees me that way and I am guessing that wont change.  So I am just done with the whole thing.
Of course, she doesnt know any of this and I am not gonna tell her cause its not like she would believe me anyways.  I am a loser, remember.
So once my savings ran out, I started donating plasma.  I registered with the local temp agency but no job yet.  And I ran into an old friend.
I was just sitting at home and suddenly got this overwhelming urge to go to the Walmart.  I didn't need anything but it was so overwhelming I couldn't ignore it.  So I loaded up my girls and went. And who did I see but an old boyfriend I treated badly.  He was really happy to see me and we exchanged phone numbers.  My phone was off at the time but a few days later I got it back on and texted him.  He invited me over for dinner and since it was a school night I went alone.  We had a great time, talked about everything and ended up making out for six hours.  I went home around 5 in the morning.  It felt so good being with him and I have been seeing/dating him for about a month now.  He still had issues trusting me, I am the one who broke off our relationship 13 years ago.  But we are working through them, and he says he trusts me just worries I will do it again.  I can't blame him either, I told him I will work every day to earn his trust back.
We go scrapping together most days and he is so patient with me.  Noone understands why I am seeing him but if anyone ever really looks at him and sees how much he already loves me, they would understand.
He had an interview yesterday and got the job, and he is talking to a college about a design degree.  He is an awesome artist, he draws, paints, writes music, plays music, and writes comics.  We went to Artlando together last weekend and we saw Peter Frampton downtown last night.  I spend every Saturday night at his place and little Lila has spent the night a few times as well.  They get along well together and he is really patient with her.  Raven seems to like him too and remembers him from when she was small.
One more big change to mention.  I started working on my Masters degree in Elementary Education.  I am at the end of my third week of my first class.  Doing good so far.  97% so far in my class.  Still waiting on my loan to go through so I will have some money.  Currently my phone is off but I am hoping for enough money from ebay by tuesday to  have it back on.  My guys' birthday is next week and I am hoping to take him to dinner and get him something I know he will LOVE.  Then I got Raven's birthday next and Halloween.
Hope I will get back to you before all that but if not I will be here to update you when I do.
Love you all, and thanks for reading.

Oh, watch my youtube channel, working on a good copy of a song my guy wrote to post.  Very exciting!!

Thursday, March 27, 2014

27 March 2014

So, alot has happened in the past few weeks since I last wrote to you.  Many of you are now aware of my plans and also the tragedy that struck our family last year.  We are all recovering well and continue to strive each day to move forward with our lives.  It is a fight each day to get some kind of normalcy without professional therapy.  Don't get me wrong, I do not have a problem with therapy but its not for my daughter.  Therapy will not help her.  I have some skills from trying to help myself so I can help her in some ways.  Therapy will only make this more tragic than it already is. I don't want her reliving this every session.  If I was a less involved mother or if she was out in the world on her own, or her problems were too big for me then I would be taking her.  But none of that is true.  Getting her home where the air is cleaner, she has more physical support, and a more normal routine is gonna be very helpful.  It will also help Lila and I.  I love my Aunt, so much more than I though I could and I owe her more than I could ever repay, but I need this almost as much as the girls do.  I will miss alot here in Pennsylvania, some of these kids among the most, but this is what is best for us.  I am hoping for a yearly trip for my Aunt's piggy roast on the second Saturday in September each year.  It will be great to be able to see everyone each year. 

I plan on moving our family back to Orlando at the end of June.  I am aiming for July 2nd to be my last day at work and probably leave before weekend traffic.  I am a bit nervous about driving on the highway since I am not comfortable with high speeds and heavy traffic.  I bought a new truck last Saturday.  It is a huge red Dodge pickup truck with an extended cab and 8 ft bed with a topper.  Its a beast and a gas guzzler, but I am sure it will get me home.  It rides real smooth and has been taken well care of by one family since it was new in 1991.  Its gotta carburetor so I have to remember to pump the gas before I start it each day but I got a strong battery.  I'm getting some new tires put on at inspection and a mechanic friend will be doing itty bitty work to it to get it ready for the long trip.  I have been driving it to and from work, (even though I am not supposed to since it doesn't have a current inspection) just so it doesn't sit for a week until then and I can get used to the size of the truck.  I am getting more comfortable with it each day and am falling in love with it.  My girls are liking it too. 

I am wanting to visit a few people on my way down.  I would love to see Grandpa Dave, my Mom, some friends in Chattanooga, and my friends and almost step-daughters and nieces in Tallahassee.  I wont be in a rush to arrive in Orlando so taking my time visiting people should be good. It will also give my truck some down time and not a straight run through.  A stop in DC for the historical scenery might be something I stick in there too.  It is a stop that we wanted to make in 2010 when we went down to Orlando from Iowa but the jeep tried to break down on us so we just made a run for it.  I will have everything I want to take with me in the back of the truck.  It will be really refreshing to have no crap weighing me down.  I am gonna apply for a teaching certificate in Florida and apply for a kindergarten job for the 2014-2015 school year.  With my bachelors and experience I should be accepted.

I am taking donations from people at my PayPal for anyone who wants to help us out with the trip or survival after we arrive in Orlando until I get on my feet.  Just hit the donate button and send some money.  I have 15 weeks before I leave.  After talking about and planning this trip for the past year, to count in the number of weeks is a bit scary and exhilarating. 




Any help is appreciated, there are other ways you can help too if you don't want to send money.  If you love Mary Kay, you can visit my website www.marykay.com/seldridge13 and pick out some cosmetics you love.  Mary Kay has some really great products and I am a new Mary Kay consultant.  You can live anywhere and order on my website, I will just ship it to your door.  If you know anyone who might like Mary Kay, direct them to my website.

You could also check out my ebay page, http://www.ebay.com/usr/eldsha.8gor5us  where I am selling anything I can (mostly movies) to unload what I don't want to take with me. 

Another way you can help is by sharing my blog (http://graphittienterprise.blogspot.com/) or youtube account (https://www.youtube.com/user/SHAIANNNA) with as many of your friends as you can.  I have an adsense account which is linked to my blog and youtube accounts.  The more people view, share, and like my videos and blogs they more money I make. 

Want something made by my own hands??  Visit my etsy page.  https://www.etsy.com/people/shaiannna?ref=si_pr 

As you can see, I have alot of ways I am trying to make money and fund my trip.  Anything you can do would be appreciated.  I will even take prayers for a safe arrival for me, my passengers, my truck, and all our belongings if that is all you can do.  No effort is too small. 

My to do list is still kinda large and keeps growing each time I scratch something off, but I am getting things done.  I am almost ready.  Everything is almost done except to mark time and get my Aunt and DM ready for my departure.  Really the only thing I need left is the inspection and work to the truck. Anything else can be done after I leave.  I can feel my future unfolding as I watch.  Some days are bad, some days are good.  But at least we ARE having good days. 

Time to jump off.  You've been updated!!  Back soon to let you in again.